I'm so jealous of you. I'm so jealous of everything you have.
I hate playing second fiddler to you, being in the background playing the scenery while you shine in the limelight twirling around in your princess costume, preening and posing.
I'm not supposed to feel like this and everyone would condemn me if they knew, but I hate you sometimes so much I end up hating myself afterwards. Then other times I get memories of what we used to be and I smile.
Why do you do this to me? I can't even justify what I feel, only using pitiful excuses. I hate you for being so close, so close that I start to depend on you. I seek comfort and solace in you rather than my own blood kin. Then you leave and you start buddying up with new people, and I'm left all alone, my crutch suddenly taken from from and I collaspe. I'm left gathering scraps of fond memories, secretly spying on you to see how you're doing and getting jealous. And finally one day I pick myself up, and right when I'm getting back on my feet, finding new people to smile and laugh with, you come back beaming from ear to ear. And of course I welcome you back with open arms, thinking that this would never happen again, but soon you leave and you return, repeating this cycle until I get angry and mad at myself for being such a desperate fool.
But look at me now. Am I any better? When you talk to me I pretend like everything's fine, but I badmouth you behind your back and hate on you when I'm lying in bed unable to sleep. I can't bear to drop this friendship, which I know you can in a heartbeat.
No one says I'm pretty or that I'm model material, but they all praise you for having good looks and say "Oh, she's my pretty friend." And you're so social and everything but when I meet new people I shut up and keep away like a loser. You're so smart and popular but here I am at 11 in the night typing away like a nerd, wasting away my eyes.
You're so much talented compared to me, I feel like dirt. I embrace schadenfreude, oh gosh someone help me.
I want, but I can't have. I don't deserve anything, and nothing is my right.
