Radishes

There are voices in my head. Lots of them. Most sound attractive.
They keep telling me they love me. They tell me smile, smile, laugh. Happy, smile, smile, friends, smile, giggle.
They are driving me insane. I don't want to be happy. Because when I'm happy, I find fault. Because when I'm happy I start to hope. Hope is horrid. hope is everything I wish for and will never get. It kills me to see something in my reach, but ultimately my short stature and useless tip toes keeps me centimeters away. And I'm too damn lazy to go find a chair. So I fall. Then I won't be happy anymore and I'll just be sad sad sad.
Because being sad and emo and depressed and emotionally unstable and psycho is good. I can finally feel something.
I cut myself just now. It wouldn't clot and just kept bleeding. Beads of red metallic gross.
It didn't hurt at all. Not even when I washed it. Not a bit.
I want to feel feelings that burst like fucking fireworks. Not stupid trickles of happy that amount to nothing. I want something more than everything. All I want is to want and get.

My radishes are growing so well. I had to repot them because they were getting too big. They look beautifully delicious. I can't wait to eat them. Eat back all the love I poured out, all the water and fertilizer and money.

Someone is trying to sell me bad bad bad things. And I have no self-control.

Formal

So yesterday my school had their 8th grade prom.
I almost couldn't go, because like everyone told me they weren't going and I thought only the girls were going. Then after the ticket deadline was past EVERYONE told me they were going. From the losers to the popular boys.
I was so pissed, because I didn't buy a ticket since I thought it would be boring. Plus my sister shared her  very sad formal experience, in which she just sat around eating celery and carrot sticks while everyone danced.
But I managed to get permission like 6 hours before formal so yay!

I actually had a dress that was kinda large but still pretty however my friend was going to wear the same dress and she begged me to not wear it so I was stuck without a dress. But fortunately my sister has like, 6 prom dresses that she bought when she thought she was gonna slim down and go to prom. It took me ages to get ready. I stupidly washed my hair, which made me get like little dandruff but not dandruff flakes in my hair and it wasted an hour so I was really pissed. But my sister made a crown part so the flakes were covered, and she took a stab at curling the hair. Man it was a total mess since she had minimal experience in the hair department, and all I ever do to my hair was wash and clip up so the process was horrible. It came out totes awesome though, until we used expired hairspray (only one we had so we don't do hair) and it started frizzing up like that Sabrina girl from the newest survivor. Thank goodness we actually had anti- frizz stuff from a period when my sister thought she had frizzy hair. It kind of calmed the hair down, but really didn't do much so don't buy Herbal Essences. The only thing is that I realised after people posted pics on fb, that you're supposed to take a photo before you leave. -_-

So the whole car ride I was patting down my hair and worried and crap. But when I got there the teachers weren't really standing guard anymore since I was 30 mins late, so I didn't have to pay the 20 bucks.

Formal was a blast though. I started just attacking the food to get my money's worth, but then my friends dragged me around  and we took pictures in the photobooths and tons others.
Bad side- People are so freaking superficial. Like for the 2nd time that I was in this school people actually came coming up to me to compliment my looks. This asshole was all like, "You look so different! You look amazing!"

So yeah. Now I can eat again yay!

Oh right and I got called a slut.

Tears

It's not a long, lingering feeling. It's not slow trickles of shimmering twin waterfalls.
It's an intake of breath. Like a dinosaur giving birth. "Errrugh"
Then pour.
Outburst.
Like a rice bag splitting at seams, except instead of delicious grains it's salty droplets.
Sobbing. Like a toddler. "Bou bwah"
WHY THE HELL IS SKINS SO SAD
WHAT THE ABSOLUTE CRAZY
NO COOK

Tell me it's okay

Dry hands and tired eyes.
Lotion with scents that are too strong and jealousy.
Mints in mouths that burn holes with ice.

Friends you love that once held you dear in their heart.
But water erodes soil and time washes roots away.
So now you're scattered, floating around in their memory.
"That girl.. she was a friend back then. What's her name again?"

Your name.
Called loudly, mispronounced.
Your name.
Taken from you and replaced with someone else's.
Replaced with slang and insults.
Sometimes just greetings.
Surprise.
"You know my name? How?"

Late nights.
Up doing bullshit that won't matter in 2 days.
You'll regret. You'll slap yourself.
But come midnight and you'll be stuck doing the same damn thing.

Molded strawberries.
7 dollars trashed.
Mutated. Chemicals. Eat.
Eat tomatoes. Eat blueberries. Eat rice. Eat lunch. Eat dinner.
Skip breakfast. Throw yogurt away. Sell fruit snacks.

Young seedlings poking their fragile emerald heads from the murky, dirty brown.
You squat twice a day. Watering. Caring. Pouring saved up, undeserved love into plastic pots.
"It's for the science fair."
It's not.

Deadlines come. Deadlines missed.
Grades fluctuate. Fall. Hit rock bottom.
Disappointment past hurting. Past caring.
Past feeling.
All there is now is fun.
Fun games. Fun conversations. Fun clothes.

Validate me. Validate my actions.
Say it's fine. Say it's just a phase.
Hug me. Console me.
Tell me it's okay.