Well...

Maybe I was a little too harsh and too quick to judge
I actually had an excellent day yesterday. It was fun.

I like boys, my laptop, white chocolate, mint choc chip ice cream, skirts, Nirvana, fancy pens, taking long showers, my hair, touching attractive people, making up scenarios in my head, my mp3 player, coming up with excellent comebacks, tie-dye hair, wasting time and chiffon.

WELL SO WHAT IF I SAID SHIT
I SAID IT ACCIDENTALLY
LIKE YOU HAVE THE CLEANEST MOUTH

I'm a little jealous of those with like Aspergers or Autism. 

And psychopaths too.

I realised just now that I'm not actually different from my peers, I'm just not accepted. I want to be included in their social circles.

Those people, they don't care. Or they don't know. 

It would be nice not to experience cognitive dissonance, and not want to be part of something.

End point, I really don't like my classmates.

What a bunch of cracked shit already have friends/ not finding my jokes funny girls.

I don't like girls.

So here's how America crushed everything

A very suspicious man came to my door asking for job opportunities. When I came back from school about say FOUR hours ago he was scouring the frontal part of the neighbourhood. It takes me about 5 mins to walk from my house, and let's say there's about 20 houses and he spent 5 mins at each (I thinking wayy too highly of my neighbours; these people are cold and will shut the door in your face in a few secs) 20*5 = 100 that's slightly less than 2 hours.

The point of that really long kindergarten math problem is that this guy probably is trying to rob a house or something, because it's about burning hot scorching torrid out there right now, and no one's that persistent enough in looking for a job. And why the neighbourhoods? You would expect him to go to Walmart or something.

Okay completely side tracked.

Now that I'm considerably well rested I shall start the story of my first day of high school.

(Technically, it's only a half day for freshmen orientation but let's not split hairs)

My high school is a chartered school and basically the students are supposed to have an aptitude for the maths and sciences, but "supposed". I'm leaving it at that.

The impression I got from friends who are already in Charter is that it's killer nerdy and everything, no drama, all nerds, everyone's super nice.

Well I went in thinking I would actually be able to find someone intellectual and that the crowd would be totally different from the old people.

Not only did I have to walk 10 mins to the bus stop, and an extra 5 in heavy, heavy torrential downpour (it was like mother nature was weeping tears for all the crushed hopes and expectations) I had to wait there for 20 mins and when I got onto the bus, it was just a wave of people I did not expect to be in this school.

I mean those people were great but they're not Humbert Humbert or my dear petit prince.

Okay getting lazy now to finish up, so far I only know who's in my homeroom, but that's not a very pretty picture.

These two fat hoes just immediately developed a dislike for me like bitch I don't wanna be in your group either and I was nothing but polite bordering friendly to them. 

But you know me magnanimous Joanna will not stoop to their level. Anyway not worth it since I'm probably will only (please god yes) see them for 5 mins each day since hopefully they aren't in any of my other classes.

I know this sounds so stupid but I was hoping for so much, for once, and you know. This.

Add note. I've realised I really don't give a shit about these people (sorry to actual friends I made before the summer). Somehow with these 3 months of solitude and ANTM I am now somewhat a misanthrope. It's not something I've decided but really just feel. Today when I saw these people I didn't even think about what they wanted I just kind of killed all social behavior and keeping up this appearance of being their "normal". So if they actually stick by me and become friends with me, now at least I'll have friends I actually can relate to and be completely comfortable around who live in the same time zone as I do.

Also I'm going back into that phase where I really am giving up on making myself look decent. I want to just focus on my studies, get 4.0 GPA and participate in a few clubs. 

Honestly whenever I think of school now all the classmates are blocked out and I'm excited for classes. 

In fact I intro-ed myself 5 times today pretty sure that's enough social interaction for the century.

I have friend friends that are so completely in tune with me I doubt I'll find someone here like that.

End note.

First day of school

Today was like any other normal school day.
But it seemed so very horrible because I had such high expectations.
Tired. Take a nap. Then blog.

Somewhat stalking people I do not know

I do not know what I'm doing nowadays.

Maybe it's because I'm so lonely.

But anyway so I did something so very loserish I will not tell anyone in real life.

But on the net who cares.

So I was on this site where peoples send letters, and there was one particularly brutal letter addressed to this guy middle name and all.

It was just so, so harsh and so funny I went on FB to see if I could find the guy.

And bam found him he's in community college, sounds like a stoner, and very, very ugly.

In that moment I had a bonding moment with a girl I have never talked to, and it was so very fun.

What just happened?

So there I was, quite hungry but wasn't in the mood for a full meal, sifting through the fridge and bam, I found grapes.

Okay, just one. Just one you greedy little girl What are you saying DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE I ONLY HAVE 70 YEARS TO GO TWO GRAPES WON'T MAKE A DIFF you dumbass- NOM NOM

And just like that I blanked out for two seconds and when I regained control half the bag of grapes was in my stomach.
Do you know what this means?? This means I singlehandly chugged down like HALF my ten day supply of fruits in 2 mins.
So basically all I have left are 3 kiwis or so, and about 20 grapes.
I was actually planning on a veggie fruit mix for school so I don't have to eat the 800 calories a meal, microwaved school lunch of chemicals but now it looks like it's going to have to be all vegetables.
Have you ever eaten raw vegetables without any dressing? It's like soft less fibre-y grass man. And yes I've eaten grass before and almost cut my tongue but that was when I was little and very very genius.

Anyway how in the world do skinny girls get so thin???
So many girls I know are not only wayy taller than me they're at least 10 pounds lighter than me like wtf.
And you know what I thought that my weight was normal but apparently I'm supposed to be 47 kg which is 103 pounds or so and that's supposed to be my ideal weight for my height and age.
47 kg is INSANE apparently I have to grow 4 cm just to be at the weight I am now wtf

What do these girls do take laxatives and eat only spinach and workout full time gym membership?
Honestly it is SO HARD to lose weight and maintaining it is a pain in the ass.
How can you resist grapes and tangerines and and mcflurries and everything? How do you even jog  nonstop 5 miles?
Or run 5 miles in an hour? Is it just me without any endurance whatsoever because when I try to run at 4m/h I kind of die inside and feel my heart collapse when I go on for more than a min.

Weight issues aside
I'm kind of panicking because it's about 4 days to the FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL and I don't even have the 2nd required summer reading book.
I ordered it from amazon 3 days ago and the person was so nice she said she would rush and it would reach me on the 25th so that's a day to read my book.
Why Joanna why are you so complacent now you pay for it.
Also I'm super scared about my uniform and such. I cannot find cotton pants that are comfortable and non gaudy that are not skinny, so I still have to worry about panty lines.
What if my pants are too skinny and I get called out on the first day of school?
The uniforms are ugly and not even 1% cotton. The logo is diagonally above my boobs so it looks super weird when I wear any bra except sport bras. I only one one sport bra, I don't do sports. Not only that, I have to wear tanks tops underneath since it's practically see through and unless I go insane on Zumba my fat rolls will probably be more popular than me. My tank tops are precious I wear these babies to sleep and here I am wasting sleepwear for an undershirt.

Wow I sound so vapid going on and on about grapes and clothes. Even kind of sound like I'm going  through pms.

Okay last thing I just looked at my neighbour's house with binoculars (non creepy way i swear) and I could see what they were doing! Freaks me out what if they're watching me?

Losing control

So recently my emotions have been flying unchecked, and I'm not sure if they're this wild because I'm going into that teenage phase or if it's because I've been so removed from a concentrated social circle and around my family so much that I just go bazooka.

Like just now I thought of when my mother freaking washed my brand new shirt that was all large and nice with hot water and when it came out it was all shrunken and not worth 14 dollars that my mind just exploded with anger and we got into a fight and I started crying because I was so frustrated, and the thing is, that happened a month ago so I don't know why I can still feel strongly,  maybe even more so, about it and look this was one big run-on sentence yay.

In fact I've been losing my temper so often and getting into fights I don't even know if it's because I changed or my family did it's so damn frustrating.

I can't sleep soundly at night anymore. I lie awake and think of all the things I regret/ disappointed others with and kind of go insane trying to shut the voices in my head. Then I wake up at least 5 times before I actually wake up and each time my dreams get so screwed that when I wake up my mental state is so disorientated and I stopped logging my dreams in my journal because they're so disturbing..

And look everything is a run-on sentence. Maybe it's "stress" but that sounds really phony. Also my scars leave my skin blackened and it looks really ugly.

Everyone is occupied with someone more important than me right now, and I feel so bitchy for hating that.

It's like this meteorite of angry and sad crashed into my little autocosm of selfish flowers that fight for space and ignoring everything makes them grow and become beautiful but now everything's in flames and I'm so very confused.

TLC is the best guilty pleasure channel, ever.

So recently I've developed a habit of staying at home 24/7 and no, I don't just mooche around the house eating and eating and eating.

No, I do the SAT and eat and eat and eat.

Recently I've discovered (apparently) 100% ice cream and my mother only cares about the artificial part of food so I bought like 2 tubs and gorging and it's DELIIICIOUS
It's been so, so long since I've actually properly eaten ice cream and man I'm like binging.

But still watching my weight of course. In fact, I actually (wait for it) went RUNNING for TWENTY MINUTES that's hard stuff right there. One whole mile baby.

Anyway so while I do the SAT I obviously need some other secondary form of entertainment (heeheeehee count olaf moment) so I go on youtube and sometimes I listen to music but that gets old fast or like watch random movies but full good movies don't end up on youtube that often, even rarer for high quality ones. I tried watching documentaries to "learn smarts" but that kinda died off in about, halfway through the first documentary.

Then a few days ago, I stumbled onto What Would You Do which led me to My Strange Addiction    and after I watched those I clicked on one of my more favourite TLC shows, Toddlers and Tiaras. That show, is GOLD. The girls are freaking hilarious and this is mean but they're earning money from me laughing at them so justified.

Right now I'm on an Extreme Couponing craze and man these videos never seem to end.

Also I'm suspicious this is taking a shit on my mental health because today I spent like 30 mins in a mild stupor wandering around the house with J D Salinger in my hands making up some shit about ice cream. Mixed with all this stupid high school stress (ahh 9 days and I still have one more summer reading book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I really really, am kind of on the edge of this beautiful, beautiful cliff with this whole meadow of orchids at the bottom but the long way day seems kind of painful.

Okay.
I think I should stop now. I think Salinger is kind of troubled. I don't really understand Bananafish, but if one could easily understand it, what's the point huh?

Yahoo Answers

Okay I've been spending an unreasonable amount of time on YA when I should be doing SAT and it really pisses me off.

The users are stupid and untrollable. Also the girl are actually attractive?? And like the beauty and style part is full of like 7th graders and it is really, really, sad because they're all super skinny and younger than me.

And I feel old and useless because dude I'm 14 almost a fifth of my life has gone by (assuming I live till 75)

And I want to be successful so much but I don't know how to control myself and instead I'm off writing stories to make me feel better about myself

But that doesn't work out at all because all the scenarios and fantasies I incorporate only serve to make me feel worse since they didn't come true.

And at times like this I go shopping but there's no car and I don't want to waste money and I didn't go outside this stupid snobby neighbourhood for the past 5 freaking days I'm dying!!!!

There's still my stupid high school schedule which makes me feel even more shit about myself I just want to crawl out and cry.

I actually have been crying because my emotions are so unstable and I saw this old story I wrote and it made me so mad I cried

Because this world is so full of douchebags and YA is stupid when you kiss someone for money that does not make you a prostitute and I keep getting thumbs down

Oh dear.

LOL

Okay if I die

I just ate some popcorn chicken that I found in my freezer with no instructions and expiry date on them. I think my aunt put her expired shit in my freezer while I was on vacay but they look so delish I just couldn't stop myself.

And I kind of baked it my way at 375 degrees f for 13 mins

Ok my point is if I die my blood type is A, I have medical insurance but not life, um I also drank like a quarter gallon milk

Earbuds

Okay in the past month I went through 4 pairs of earbuds.

The first one was this really pretty, super comfy pink pair that I still carry around just in case they miraculously come back to life. I practically abused that thing to death, since they accompanied my first portable music player.

The second one was super expensive sony (i think) earbuds. And they broke in a week. No joke.
Was so damn pissed they just came apart. You know why? Because sony products suck! I replaced my laptop's fan like thrice and it's not me, it's sony.

Then I ran out of legit earbuds to ruin so I used Delta's earbuds. Since I was sit in the middle seats I get earbuds from both sides and pocket them. I have like 7 pairs right now around my room that I got from my most recent flights. You know what's funny? Both of them lasted longer than Sony's crappy earbuds. That really, really bad. If Delta's earbuds are better than yours, and you're a bigass company that charges like 10 bucks for earphones, bitch you greedy.

So now I came back and am using my emergency pair which is a glorious colour of green and if these break I'm gonna cry because they're of awesome quality and really comfy and they make my non-hd music hd.

Right now surfing the web to prolong ear buds

Going for gold

Recently after quite an emotional setback I've decided to just study study study and exercise a lot

I wish that everything could go the way I want it to and everything's fun but so far it seems I'm not Haruhi Suzumiya

Okay finishing up on China, Nanning was so, so terrible.

Here's a little background on my paternal relatives.
My oldest aunt who married in is a total money grubbing bitch and I swear she's slowly poisoning my grandparents.
My oldest uncle wastes around the house with no job and my oldest cousin is 22 years old and a wastrel.
My aunts and uncles don't love my father or grandfather like they should.

So anyway my whole family of four was squeezed into this small ass room that's like what, 5 sq ft and there were so many mosquitoes.

It was pretty hilarious because there was this Chinese Wipeout and all the competitors were girls in bikinis and whenever the girls fell into the water this guy would come and "save them", essentially copping a feel.

There were other really funny incidents that i wrote down but I left the notebook somewhere so now it's gone.
Also that was my dream journal and I've abandoned writing my dreams down so now i  barely remember shit about my dreams
ahh so incoherent now because i'm upset for no reason
also i've been running and studying

I drink so much soymilk. Like gorging binging
I think I'm kind of
Kind of unstable.
Like.
At night.
I don't know I mean I'm perfectly fine and there's nothing wrong with my life it's great and all so I don't uunderstand why
Why I listen to and do stupid things
Like
I don't know there are voices in my head??????????????????