New years eve

I'm outlining stupid climates at oh, 22 mins to new years and gosh darn everything
Got my new years ruined kind of
Just so mad and it's new years and argh
AT LEAST JUST BE NICER TO ME
like wtf I know i'm nothing to you
but can't you just make my 22 mins?

ahhh I'm just so overly emotional right now
Honestly today has been a veyr veyr shitty day mental -wise
Like nothing bad (except what sparked me to RAGEEEEE this post) actually happen, getting braces, ate ice cream, got some games, nice dinner
But I'm just so darn bitchy today esp to my mother
And I feel terrible I actually started crying over an argument with my sister over toothpaste and you can tell right now my emotional state is not the best
I'm tearing right now which is terrible

I just
I just wanted you to be nice to me
argh AM I PMSING BECAUSE THEN WHY THIS

Merry new year people

Confession #1

When people write "amaze" without proper grammatical context such as "omg amaze" I read it in my head as "a- may- zee".
Also "a-may-zee balls"
Is it "a- maise balls"?

And look I'm not even working on research paper hahahahaahahahah screw.

In an effort to motivate myself,

I shall list all the things I should be doing.

>Mis favourita actividades AKA Spanish homework
>Outlining geography text (half done, only thing I've worked on)
>Writing a research paper assigned to me freaking a month ago and I have literally done nothing and it's due in, oh, FIVE DAYS (see the annoying thing with numbers is that you can't cap them)
>Studying for mid term exams

What I actually do.
>Watch all seasons of Archer in FOUR DAYS
>Chug yogurt and kettle corn
>Watched movies (Tarantino is so good)
>Read
>Surf all day long (look sports!)
... THE INTERNET THAT IS
>Chronicle my life in blog posts

Christmas

Eve.
Oh wait nope, it's officially Christmas now

Damn my father was all "I'm so happy to be talking to you. We haven't talked for such a long time in a while." And I just felt sld;jfdslf GUILT IN EVERY ORIFICE because I was only talking to him to get him away from my aunt.

Terrible terrible child.
Spent all day protobowl-ing and then watching Archer.
Ahh what am I doing with my life?
I should be learning how to cure lives with stem clel research

Day post, 4chan style

Gonna blog about my day in >greentext format cause if I actually pad it out with coherent grammar and details I'll end up getting sad/lazy/frustrated halfway (see this is why my writing has been so shitty lately) and end up SJFSDFJDSJFS then ending post

It's not the best saturday ever (obviously) but it's a better one IMO because of how it manages to end up great


> so earlier this week this guy "invites" me to a party
> really shady so very tentative, try not to get hopes up
> day before seems super optimistic so eff this, hopes sky high through the roof, ladder to Pluto
> coupled with all time lowest weight in 3 weeks
> wake up at 10 effing am
> exercise hard core godmode for two hours
> purge sweat like everybody's business
> mother finally lets me fruit diet for winter holiday
> eat only fruit and veggies for breakfast
> actually feel pretty damn good
> take shower, shave in 3 months (tmi, i know)
> lay outfit I scraped together the night before out (by scraped together I mean I spent 5 hours trying everything on and realising how terrible my wardrobe is)
> call guy to ask plans
> mfw when he says he's not going
> tfw I washed hair, nail polish, the whole works and this guy just shits on me
> ask cuz for a ride, tfw he agrees cause he's the most lovely cuz ever
> mfw asshole says without the original ride I can't go
> RAGE
> RAGE RAGE RAGE
> Mope around sad and binge on everything
> inb4 weight gain
> Cousin asks to hang out
> Wears outfit was planning to wear, because eff this, I deserve to feel pretty
> Compliments
> mfw mother says I look super slutty
> mfw severely misjudge weather and my cold tolerance
> Eat dinner, browse web, watch Dota tournaments
> ALL WITH MY LOVELY COUSIN
> Go out for some delicious ice cream
> mfw standing outside shop for a good 5 mins nearly going into hypothermia because "oh you looked like you weren't that cold" excuse me have you seen what I'm wearing??? But it was a nice outfit so doesn't matter, looked good
> Half heartedly listen to cousin go on about Dota for good 20 mins, can't input because don't play
> at least dude bought me make-up
> go around neighbourhood looking at nice- ass christmas lights
> late night with cry and russ in 12 mins

Wonderful ass saturday night

Obligatory I survived apocalypse post

I SURVIVED THE APOCALYSPE/ SUPPOSED ENF OF WORLD
And unfortunately suffered traumatic injuries that prevent me from going back to fix those typos
AKA
Laziness.
My electricity went out for like 20 mins though and I admit, I freaked the eff out.
But when the lights blinked back on it was all haha shits and giggles you got me good power station
And I immediately broke every promise I made to the heavens above to keep me safe

I'm supposed to be getting sleek and sexy arms right now
Holy shit
I heard a noise
I'm also reading scary stories so hahaha PARONOIA
But shall be blogging because you know, procrastination

Winter holidays finally!
I received unexpected Christmas presents fro my peers/ NOT FROM MY FAMILY I WIN THE INTERNET
So now I have a shit load of chocolate (delicious delicious hershey kisses) and candycanes
I also got a teddy bear and two very sweet cards
Well, not sweet per se to anyone else it would be more "wtf they barely spent effort on this shit" but no one gives me cards so  :)

My grades are even more terrible this marking period!
Ahhh
And I'm not even trying to rectify them ahahahaha
I'm terrible I know

White lies

I'm in a very wfjsdakjf mood right now so let me rant.

I'll have like, 3 Bs coming in this interim.
And I'm not even caring like I should.
In fact, I'm just overall apathetic about everything and it makes me feel terrible.

Recently event A happened and normally I should be crying or whatever, or at least upset but honestly can't bring myself to give a shit.
Half of me has enough self - esteem to not believe, and the other part of me's just "Oh dandy. Screw you too. Bye"
Or I've just overestimated the amount of feelings I invested.

Also, I watched Howl's Moving Castle and IT WAS SO SAD
Shit ending, BUT SAD
And alrejwak this post is going to shit

Late nights

Surprisingly, my grades right now are not entirely kaput.

Got the chance to go grocery shopping and seeing I may not go for another month or so, I went HAM on snacks and shizz
Got ice cream, kettlecorn, seaweed, seaweed, seaweed, oatmeal (it was to offset the junk food, haha damn right it will)
I'm justifying it by saying it's Christmas (which it is, every day after Thanksgiving is Christmas season). I think one of the things I miss about television is the Cartoon Network Christmas specials. Love Billy and Mandy.

I just saw something which made me go "omgomgomgomgomgomg is that a reference to me wtfwtf???!!!"
which means i read wayy too much into everything, but it makes me feel so good!

i seriously need to boost my self confidence. it's really affecting the way i program, and causing me a lot of heartbreak.

No fun

So
Didn't get my neopets account back

Nothing worth mentioning really happened, except maybe I've made a few more friends.
So that's it.

I NEED TO SPAZZ

UHM HELLO IT'S NEOPET'S BDY TODAY
AND I'M ALMOST GETTING MY ACC BACK WTF
WTF EVEYHTING IS FREEEEEEEE
OMGGGG AND I'M GONNA MISS IT BY LIKE A WEEEEEK

A weekend worth bloggable????

Yes I'm blogging my weekend.
No I didn't go on a date.
No I didn't meet my soulmate.
No I didn't win a Nobel Prize or get all As.

Oh wow I'm such a downer.

I just had a nice weekend that's all.
Okay on a totally related note, I put glue on my nose to get rid of blackheads, and um, I just realised that sniffing glue makes you high. Although I can't really smell it, I kind of breathe weird now.

Anyway.
So my weekend started with Friday!
Slept for a little while which felt SO GOOD. Crashed onto the bed right after school without showering or anything which is quite gross, but I didn't go under the covers or anything.
Had fun skyping with my friend and almost, even played League until my comp crash heated.

Saturday went to see Skyfall which was actually pretty good. Not something I would stay to watch on t.v or online, but good big screen. How many are there now? Like 20?
This franchise is doing so good I can't even
Probably now gonna suck all the viewers from Cloud Atlas WHICH IS AMAZING BTW

It's 6 love stories (not purely romantic love there's friend love too) lasting 3 hours all for the price of one ticket. Gosh I love that movie so much lsk jsdg
The thing is it's not doing so good and critics are panning it which is dssajfs because everyone loves Looper. Wtf that movie was shit.

Hope Cloud Atlas gets more boost cause then they wouldn't make movies as amazing as that ever

I just got mindblown.
So researched the acting cast of Cloud Atlas and not only do several people play several roles (like Halle Berry as the news girl AND mystic white elite) the gay guy is the comp guy from Skyfall.
My mind just went whooosh
Because the Asian lover is the dude from 21 whaaaaat.
Do not look the same at all.

Oh look tangent.
Well watched movie Saturday, bought food.
And then most amazing thing happened.
I got 60th nationally for cyber foundations. That's pretty thrilling since I crammed half the material literally an hour before, then the other half during the test. hahaha Plus I beat these math 3 kids THE BEST FEELING EVER
Sunday lazed around and ALMOST mowed my lawn.
Monday lazed around and did homework BEFORE 6.
Amazing feat I know.

Right now I shall go exercise (Dude. Big deal right here)
And nice weekend was nice.

My computer's hinting

I use Chrome and recently my 8 most visited sites thing has changed, which it has not in a month or so.

Earlier today Tumblr was 5th, after being bumped from 6th, and now it's 4th. Either I go on Tumblr wayy too much (guilty) or I've been neglecting Blogger (guilty but no one reads so it's okay).

Well it's disturbing me so I'm trying to get blogger back to 4th without mindless clicking

AND THUS THIS POST IS BORN

Lack of coherence or planning and the fantastic bridges I've been building

Realised just now the reason I'm so unrealistic and "ridiculous" is because I take after my parents whom I love so very much but they really, really are unreliable
"Bu kao pu"

Been building not just pretty mahogany bridges on clouds but also on some stupid bridge maker and all of my creations are like 200k +++ and for the life of my smart- ass brain I just can't get anything better. 200k is like a failing grade stamped on my glorious life

Honestly my life isn't shit but I create so much unnecessary stupidity it just slowly rots away under my beautiful hands

I feel like I'm not good enough because even when someone says I am, my terrible, terrible brain thinks "Yeah, good enough only for you." And gosh I try to be nice but my ugly, mean personality just rips through all the masks and pretty silk veils with unclipped, gnarled fingernails

I promised myself to go to sleep 15 mins ago.

My grades are not good and I'm just a lazy sucker.
Bahh I have like seven bottles of water that are half- opened and half molding
LIKE MY LIFE

I don't even know what that means.
I guess I'm just lonely and I miss my sister.

I love you

I say I love you so much, and I never actually mean it
Half the time I'm trying to cheer someone up, to reassure them that I'm here, I'm here for you. I say I love you to make them feel better and I just say it because that's honestly all I can offer.
The other half I say I love you instead of I love you because they make me happy
And I say it too much and it loses it's meaning

This is blabbering now but I think I overstepped boundaries so everything's okay to do now and lsdddjfds I don't understand anything

Rant

God wow you freaking asshole thanks for telling me that after I spent TWO GOSH DAMN HOURS MAKING FREAKING FAIRY WINGS

FROM SCRATCH

I atcually tried to make a freaking LEGIT costume instead of rehashing my old one so I didn't look weird you freaking asshole

gosh gosh gosh i am so mad right now

I don't even give a shit about candy

YOU PINKY PROMISED

pinky promised.

you don't break freaking PINKY PROMISES wtf

Urgh

Grades are definitely not picking up. 

Although for social studies my teacher gave me mas puntas  for my essay and even said it was, "Awesome!". I'm talking a super strict, high expectation kind of psychotic teacher here who said my essay was "awesome!". Dude, there are super smart people (like trig math ppl) who got lower than me AND I rushed my essay the night before while they did theirs a week in advance. C'mon, that's pretty sweet.

So highlight of the day.

Also I'm making friends and gaining weight.

Right now swamped with this short story film project that we only had a week or so to do, but my group managed to find a loophole so that's now two weeks. *hell yeah* I have like 5% in her class to waste away so as long as I get a high C or mid B I should get an A.

My espanol teacher seems to be liking me a bit more these days and like her tests are so subjective I swear she picks favouritas, Okay, that word is probably wrong.

Apparently a hurricane is coming in a day. Not worried at all haha.

My social life is kind of picking up I guess.

Still table hopping.

But more friends now.

Late night requests

So um,

I have no idea what I'm doing or what I just accepted to.
I am confused and I think this is a very very bad decision, especially since I cannot bear tell anyone about.
Not cannot bear, I cannot stand the judgement or consequences or questions that will come along.
But...

This is being a teenager yeah?
Living life and making stupid mistakes that I will look back a year, hell weeks probably, from now and facepalm

Filler #2

I have no school tomorrow
I just ate chips
I have a sore throat
I am too lazy go to the fridge to get water

School actually seems to be sort of picking up
Though not entirely in a good way but who gives.
It makes for interesting replays before I sleep

The first marking period ends in two weeks and I AM FREAKING OUT
MY GRADES
DEAR LORD
MY GRADES

This is so incoherent I'm listening to presidential debates

I've been on ebay a lot more these days getting sucked back into the scams and chinese seller rings trying to compete for a hat -_-
It's like 60 dollars wtf who would buy a hat for 60 dollars? Me, that is. Stupid me.
Also despite my grades I've taken up crocheting and ahh Joanna you are so dumb

Filler

So new seasons have premiered and the weekends are so amazing. I get home, watch all the episodes I missed during the week for like straight up 3 hours or so.
Stopped exercising cause I can't manage my time properly to fit in calorie burn hour

Oooh I made friends!
I just stopped attempting after the bitches in homeroom and bam they came naturally flocking to me.
Like a few days ago I was walking past these girls and they were all "Joanna hi!" and I didn't know their names back *yay angels hi 5 people know my name*
Dat feeling. A mi me gusta.

Also *eh hem* I'm friends with a guy! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
^ is pretty big cause we're like non- awkward friends. As in if I see him walking down the hallways I would probably feel comfortable saying hi and we actually talk on a consistent basis (read: almost every single freaking day!!!!)
Actually come to think of it I have other guy pals that I can fall back on.

Umm what else oh yeah during lunch I do lots of table hopping since I can't be bothered to find my usual clique I just arbitrarily pick some people that know how weird I am and sit with them. My daily experiences are quite fun but I already wrote them down in my diary so no point restating here also they are lame.

Don't really wanna elaborate on schoolwork because it is not going as well as I want it to
dsfh'klasjflsj

Alice and Tink and wasting time

Off with their heads!
She is screaming
She is hurting
Wanting
Her life is a chrysalis, weaving lines of scars on her thighs
Covered with a thin film of dried glue

Blonde hair and gigantic eyes
Growing shrinking
But forever loved.
I'll teach you how to fly!
You are the champion!
They are sword fighting and she is laughing
Her smile is a lemon curl
So zesty and bright and fresh against the orange leaves and acidic it hurts
The wounds in my heart
They are hand sanitizer on bloody splinters

Ayudame!
Yo tengo una pregunta
I am snatching my words
From the air but I am too slow and too dumb
And you put the seashell to your ear
But it doesn't play the ocean's song
It plays my hurt, my desperation, my nail- bitten smiles
It leaves a circle of rust around your ear
Rust red on ivory skin
Ruining your perfection
White Queen
Rule number four: Gotta be looking pure

My fingers gripping my knight, not wanting to let go
Not wanting to give up
I do not see what you've plotted
Checkmate.
You snort derisively
I am tired. I am crashing. Sugar and gum and mints and woozy head
I'm the laziest, stupidest person I don't even know how I managed it
I don't know why
Why you're so nice
To someone like me

You are Kate Nash's saddest song, you are organic sweetener added to Coca Cola
Pandas and camels and smooth piano keys and silk scarves lined with gold threading and hope and hope and hope
You are derivatives and elo and the left brain with its clockwork seasons
I am the girl holding balloons filled with hydrogen instead of helium
The girl whose world consists of late nights strangled by sadness and Skype conversations about flooding hesitation
I do not know about rangelands or area or whatever genius you have in your brain

I wonder, if she is worth more than a god damn hat.

Mumble mumble sad sad sad sad

I've been super vague lately and honestly all I can say is "sad".
That's really the word that describes my life right now.
Or should I say, lazy and sad. Two words.

Aye, sad day

So...
I didn't make Envirothon
And it saddens me even though I knew it as soon as I made my presentation.

It seems.
There is a defining moment, when everything falls apart like a ball of yarn being unraveled.
It's like, you can finally see me for who I am and everything that meant I don't know what to you
Can't compare to what a dumbass, bitch I am.
So my personality can be repulsive and I use people but but
I actually care.
When I interact with people, it's all genuinely me.
If I tell you I like you, then I actually do.

And I don't know how to repair something that never existed
I just want to
To
To make things okay again

Snapshot in Time

Well, I'm not actually supposed to be blogging but.
I've been doing rangeland research for the past 8 hours straight and I really can't take another journal about high resources and productivity of grazing.
dslfjdljfsad

I feel like such a dumbass and right now I have a tangible presentar except it's littered with cuss words, horribly sarcastic and really really uncohesive.
But hey, at least I managed to write stuff out. Last night after 2 hours of trying to think of an amazing introduction my genius brain came up with "Hello my name is Joanna. Rangelands are" and then blanked out until about 30 mins ago.
I'm actually nervous because I don't want anyone to know how stupid I actually am (especially ... and ...) and I don't want to embarrass myself. With my amazing luck I'm last to go in the whole thing, so compared to everyone's amazing presentation mine will seem even shittier than it is.

I have to readjust to this whole "finish hw when you get home" thing. Recently I've been so tired and irritable and it's the honeymoon period of the school year. So bogged down with everything and I keep procrastinating.

Summary of my life so far.
Get home late. Get home tired. Too many commitments and I can't manage my time.
Psychotic teachers and classmates turning.
Welp that's prett much it.
And one good thing I got a pretty good score for social studies so yay!!!!!!!
But (as god loves me so) to balance it out I did really badly for chem test :|

Omg I feel like killing myself with all this rangelands shit I feel like a dumbass I don't understand anything and

And this is just the tryouts.

Busy busy

School is actually starting to pick up and recently I've been super crammed.
I get like 6 hours of sleep per day and that's including the bus rides to and fro my house and school
Without those I would have perhaps 2 hours of sleep
I have made some friends but I have no idea how I even made them
It's like one day it's super awk
And the next we're mates
Well yeah that sums up my life so far and if I have time I'll elaborate.
Sigh tgif

Seems like I always speak too soon

So my new study hall is pretty great too.

Tomorrow will be my new schedule without that amazing period.

I know I make it seem like a big deal (IT IS) and I sound stupid.

But it's study hall period D!

Here we go

The transition from that sheltered autocosm of childhood to the HIV positive tipped blood on the knives and daggers of adulthood.

Sigh.

I had to give up a class that I freaking LOVE today, so I have the chance to take AP next year.
I swear if I peh peh peh can't take AP next year I will bash a table on someone and then kick myself to death.

I loved that class it had smart people who were so nice and chill and were teaching me cubic equations!
Bahhhhhhhh

This better be worth it

Okay so I was a little rash

School is becoming really, really fun.
Since that kind of sums everything, I shall elaborate unnecessarily about ALL of my periods.

English:
My teacher is this super skinny, super tall cheekbone protruding ex-model looking showoff. Like seriously she just got married and all she wears are tight clothes and high heels. Dude you're a teacher. But she seems quite nice. I sit with girls that don't talk so it's chill.

Math
Oh gosh. The most awkward class ever. Ever. No one ever talks and we just sit in silence like we're watching an amazing movie or something. My teacher raises his voice at random times, to get our attention or to get us to participate.

Chem:
Fun! We do labs almost everyday, and the teacher is old and kind of doesn't care. He's not the kind of teacher who cracks jokes and plays with students, he's more like, whatever-ish. Which is better. Also I found a nice group of friends and we chat a lot.

ISS:
Oh gosh. At first I thought the teacher was nice but she's that kind "you need to be responsible stop asking questions" type. Really. We're supposed to do class discussions, and she lectures non-stop so of course we have to ask question what she wants us to just write notes? Perk: I sit up front all alone which gives me an amazing view of the board.

Study Hall:
FANTASTIC. FUN FUN FUN.
I sit with the funnest group ever. The first time I had study hall I sat with a bunch of sophomores who ignored me, and behind me was this table of bitchy freshmen and I felt so unhappy.
But then I found this guy who's like super smart and approachable and his friends are so fun! It's like I come in and immediately my heart bursts into some cinco de mayo celebration complete with blood cell confetti

Spanish:
My Spanish teacher is like my sci teacher and the class is super fun. It's pretty small, like class of 20, and it's quite engaging.

Comp sci fundamentals:
The teacher lectures for forever but he seems like a sweet santa claus. It helps that he's quite smart and grandpa looking. Aww he looks so sweet and he's absolutely adorable.

Creative Writing
So. Useless.
But I'm stuck with this class unless I can switch. Unfortunately stupid me kept pushing it back and now it may be too late. Hear that kids? Don't be lazy. You scared to talk face to face? Email.

Oh and the worst technically not a class but occupies enough of my time to be counted as one,
Homeroom:
What the absolute goat cheese.
It's like they chose these bimbos and himbos and put them all in one class, then sprinkle a few fun but generally unreachable people. I managed to fall asleep today for activity period despite the cacophony caused by 5 (still skinnier and still wayy more popular plus maybe somewhat smart) girls boasting about their hair. It was funny. You could tell they just wanted to talk about themselves but still somewhat forced the pretense of this two-way convo. It was like girl 1 "boast boast me in JV hockey" "oh cool you going to the game tonight? I'm doing my hair omgzz my hair is so soft" "omgzz so is mine but it gets like gorgeous in the summer lolz"

And the bus ride to and from school is about an hour and thirty minutes long. Then add 15 mins of walking under the hot sun with this 2 kilo schoolbag for a mile.
However, in the morning it's quite comfy to fall asleep in, and the ride home I talk to my bud.
And there's this asian guy so we have our own asian convos ha.

I miss my middle school friends though. I texted them and they didn't reply.
Seriously.

Well...

Maybe I was a little too harsh and too quick to judge
I actually had an excellent day yesterday. It was fun.

I like boys, my laptop, white chocolate, mint choc chip ice cream, skirts, Nirvana, fancy pens, taking long showers, my hair, touching attractive people, making up scenarios in my head, my mp3 player, coming up with excellent comebacks, tie-dye hair, wasting time and chiffon.

WELL SO WHAT IF I SAID SHIT
I SAID IT ACCIDENTALLY
LIKE YOU HAVE THE CLEANEST MOUTH

I'm a little jealous of those with like Aspergers or Autism. 

And psychopaths too.

I realised just now that I'm not actually different from my peers, I'm just not accepted. I want to be included in their social circles.

Those people, they don't care. Or they don't know. 

It would be nice not to experience cognitive dissonance, and not want to be part of something.

End point, I really don't like my classmates.

What a bunch of cracked shit already have friends/ not finding my jokes funny girls.

I don't like girls.

So here's how America crushed everything

A very suspicious man came to my door asking for job opportunities. When I came back from school about say FOUR hours ago he was scouring the frontal part of the neighbourhood. It takes me about 5 mins to walk from my house, and let's say there's about 20 houses and he spent 5 mins at each (I thinking wayy too highly of my neighbours; these people are cold and will shut the door in your face in a few secs) 20*5 = 100 that's slightly less than 2 hours.

The point of that really long kindergarten math problem is that this guy probably is trying to rob a house or something, because it's about burning hot scorching torrid out there right now, and no one's that persistent enough in looking for a job. And why the neighbourhoods? You would expect him to go to Walmart or something.

Okay completely side tracked.

Now that I'm considerably well rested I shall start the story of my first day of high school.

(Technically, it's only a half day for freshmen orientation but let's not split hairs)

My high school is a chartered school and basically the students are supposed to have an aptitude for the maths and sciences, but "supposed". I'm leaving it at that.

The impression I got from friends who are already in Charter is that it's killer nerdy and everything, no drama, all nerds, everyone's super nice.

Well I went in thinking I would actually be able to find someone intellectual and that the crowd would be totally different from the old people.

Not only did I have to walk 10 mins to the bus stop, and an extra 5 in heavy, heavy torrential downpour (it was like mother nature was weeping tears for all the crushed hopes and expectations) I had to wait there for 20 mins and when I got onto the bus, it was just a wave of people I did not expect to be in this school.

I mean those people were great but they're not Humbert Humbert or my dear petit prince.

Okay getting lazy now to finish up, so far I only know who's in my homeroom, but that's not a very pretty picture.

These two fat hoes just immediately developed a dislike for me like bitch I don't wanna be in your group either and I was nothing but polite bordering friendly to them. 

But you know me magnanimous Joanna will not stoop to their level. Anyway not worth it since I'm probably will only (please god yes) see them for 5 mins each day since hopefully they aren't in any of my other classes.

I know this sounds so stupid but I was hoping for so much, for once, and you know. This.

Add note. I've realised I really don't give a shit about these people (sorry to actual friends I made before the summer). Somehow with these 3 months of solitude and ANTM I am now somewhat a misanthrope. It's not something I've decided but really just feel. Today when I saw these people I didn't even think about what they wanted I just kind of killed all social behavior and keeping up this appearance of being their "normal". So if they actually stick by me and become friends with me, now at least I'll have friends I actually can relate to and be completely comfortable around who live in the same time zone as I do.

Also I'm going back into that phase where I really am giving up on making myself look decent. I want to just focus on my studies, get 4.0 GPA and participate in a few clubs. 

Honestly whenever I think of school now all the classmates are blocked out and I'm excited for classes. 

In fact I intro-ed myself 5 times today pretty sure that's enough social interaction for the century.

I have friend friends that are so completely in tune with me I doubt I'll find someone here like that.

End note.

First day of school

Today was like any other normal school day.
But it seemed so very horrible because I had such high expectations.
Tired. Take a nap. Then blog.

Somewhat stalking people I do not know

I do not know what I'm doing nowadays.

Maybe it's because I'm so lonely.

But anyway so I did something so very loserish I will not tell anyone in real life.

But on the net who cares.

So I was on this site where peoples send letters, and there was one particularly brutal letter addressed to this guy middle name and all.

It was just so, so harsh and so funny I went on FB to see if I could find the guy.

And bam found him he's in community college, sounds like a stoner, and very, very ugly.

In that moment I had a bonding moment with a girl I have never talked to, and it was so very fun.

What just happened?

So there I was, quite hungry but wasn't in the mood for a full meal, sifting through the fridge and bam, I found grapes.

Okay, just one. Just one you greedy little girl What are you saying DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE I ONLY HAVE 70 YEARS TO GO TWO GRAPES WON'T MAKE A DIFF you dumbass- NOM NOM

And just like that I blanked out for two seconds and when I regained control half the bag of grapes was in my stomach.
Do you know what this means?? This means I singlehandly chugged down like HALF my ten day supply of fruits in 2 mins.
So basically all I have left are 3 kiwis or so, and about 20 grapes.
I was actually planning on a veggie fruit mix for school so I don't have to eat the 800 calories a meal, microwaved school lunch of chemicals but now it looks like it's going to have to be all vegetables.
Have you ever eaten raw vegetables without any dressing? It's like soft less fibre-y grass man. And yes I've eaten grass before and almost cut my tongue but that was when I was little and very very genius.

Anyway how in the world do skinny girls get so thin???
So many girls I know are not only wayy taller than me they're at least 10 pounds lighter than me like wtf.
And you know what I thought that my weight was normal but apparently I'm supposed to be 47 kg which is 103 pounds or so and that's supposed to be my ideal weight for my height and age.
47 kg is INSANE apparently I have to grow 4 cm just to be at the weight I am now wtf

What do these girls do take laxatives and eat only spinach and workout full time gym membership?
Honestly it is SO HARD to lose weight and maintaining it is a pain in the ass.
How can you resist grapes and tangerines and and mcflurries and everything? How do you even jog  nonstop 5 miles?
Or run 5 miles in an hour? Is it just me without any endurance whatsoever because when I try to run at 4m/h I kind of die inside and feel my heart collapse when I go on for more than a min.

Weight issues aside
I'm kind of panicking because it's about 4 days to the FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL and I don't even have the 2nd required summer reading book.
I ordered it from amazon 3 days ago and the person was so nice she said she would rush and it would reach me on the 25th so that's a day to read my book.
Why Joanna why are you so complacent now you pay for it.
Also I'm super scared about my uniform and such. I cannot find cotton pants that are comfortable and non gaudy that are not skinny, so I still have to worry about panty lines.
What if my pants are too skinny and I get called out on the first day of school?
The uniforms are ugly and not even 1% cotton. The logo is diagonally above my boobs so it looks super weird when I wear any bra except sport bras. I only one one sport bra, I don't do sports. Not only that, I have to wear tanks tops underneath since it's practically see through and unless I go insane on Zumba my fat rolls will probably be more popular than me. My tank tops are precious I wear these babies to sleep and here I am wasting sleepwear for an undershirt.

Wow I sound so vapid going on and on about grapes and clothes. Even kind of sound like I'm going  through pms.

Okay last thing I just looked at my neighbour's house with binoculars (non creepy way i swear) and I could see what they were doing! Freaks me out what if they're watching me?

Losing control

So recently my emotions have been flying unchecked, and I'm not sure if they're this wild because I'm going into that teenage phase or if it's because I've been so removed from a concentrated social circle and around my family so much that I just go bazooka.

Like just now I thought of when my mother freaking washed my brand new shirt that was all large and nice with hot water and when it came out it was all shrunken and not worth 14 dollars that my mind just exploded with anger and we got into a fight and I started crying because I was so frustrated, and the thing is, that happened a month ago so I don't know why I can still feel strongly,  maybe even more so, about it and look this was one big run-on sentence yay.

In fact I've been losing my temper so often and getting into fights I don't even know if it's because I changed or my family did it's so damn frustrating.

I can't sleep soundly at night anymore. I lie awake and think of all the things I regret/ disappointed others with and kind of go insane trying to shut the voices in my head. Then I wake up at least 5 times before I actually wake up and each time my dreams get so screwed that when I wake up my mental state is so disorientated and I stopped logging my dreams in my journal because they're so disturbing..

And look everything is a run-on sentence. Maybe it's "stress" but that sounds really phony. Also my scars leave my skin blackened and it looks really ugly.

Everyone is occupied with someone more important than me right now, and I feel so bitchy for hating that.

It's like this meteorite of angry and sad crashed into my little autocosm of selfish flowers that fight for space and ignoring everything makes them grow and become beautiful but now everything's in flames and I'm so very confused.

TLC is the best guilty pleasure channel, ever.

So recently I've developed a habit of staying at home 24/7 and no, I don't just mooche around the house eating and eating and eating.

No, I do the SAT and eat and eat and eat.

Recently I've discovered (apparently) 100% ice cream and my mother only cares about the artificial part of food so I bought like 2 tubs and gorging and it's DELIIICIOUS
It's been so, so long since I've actually properly eaten ice cream and man I'm like binging.

But still watching my weight of course. In fact, I actually (wait for it) went RUNNING for TWENTY MINUTES that's hard stuff right there. One whole mile baby.

Anyway so while I do the SAT I obviously need some other secondary form of entertainment (heeheeehee count olaf moment) so I go on youtube and sometimes I listen to music but that gets old fast or like watch random movies but full good movies don't end up on youtube that often, even rarer for high quality ones. I tried watching documentaries to "learn smarts" but that kinda died off in about, halfway through the first documentary.

Then a few days ago, I stumbled onto What Would You Do which led me to My Strange Addiction    and after I watched those I clicked on one of my more favourite TLC shows, Toddlers and Tiaras. That show, is GOLD. The girls are freaking hilarious and this is mean but they're earning money from me laughing at them so justified.

Right now I'm on an Extreme Couponing craze and man these videos never seem to end.

Also I'm suspicious this is taking a shit on my mental health because today I spent like 30 mins in a mild stupor wandering around the house with J D Salinger in my hands making up some shit about ice cream. Mixed with all this stupid high school stress (ahh 9 days and I still have one more summer reading book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I really really, am kind of on the edge of this beautiful, beautiful cliff with this whole meadow of orchids at the bottom but the long way day seems kind of painful.

Okay.
I think I should stop now. I think Salinger is kind of troubled. I don't really understand Bananafish, but if one could easily understand it, what's the point huh?

Yahoo Answers

Okay I've been spending an unreasonable amount of time on YA when I should be doing SAT and it really pisses me off.

The users are stupid and untrollable. Also the girl are actually attractive?? And like the beauty and style part is full of like 7th graders and it is really, really, sad because they're all super skinny and younger than me.

And I feel old and useless because dude I'm 14 almost a fifth of my life has gone by (assuming I live till 75)

And I want to be successful so much but I don't know how to control myself and instead I'm off writing stories to make me feel better about myself

But that doesn't work out at all because all the scenarios and fantasies I incorporate only serve to make me feel worse since they didn't come true.

And at times like this I go shopping but there's no car and I don't want to waste money and I didn't go outside this stupid snobby neighbourhood for the past 5 freaking days I'm dying!!!!

There's still my stupid high school schedule which makes me feel even more shit about myself I just want to crawl out and cry.

I actually have been crying because my emotions are so unstable and I saw this old story I wrote and it made me so mad I cried

Because this world is so full of douchebags and YA is stupid when you kiss someone for money that does not make you a prostitute and I keep getting thumbs down

Oh dear.

LOL

Okay if I die

I just ate some popcorn chicken that I found in my freezer with no instructions and expiry date on them. I think my aunt put her expired shit in my freezer while I was on vacay but they look so delish I just couldn't stop myself.

And I kind of baked it my way at 375 degrees f for 13 mins

Ok my point is if I die my blood type is A, I have medical insurance but not life, um I also drank like a quarter gallon milk

Earbuds

Okay in the past month I went through 4 pairs of earbuds.

The first one was this really pretty, super comfy pink pair that I still carry around just in case they miraculously come back to life. I practically abused that thing to death, since they accompanied my first portable music player.

The second one was super expensive sony (i think) earbuds. And they broke in a week. No joke.
Was so damn pissed they just came apart. You know why? Because sony products suck! I replaced my laptop's fan like thrice and it's not me, it's sony.

Then I ran out of legit earbuds to ruin so I used Delta's earbuds. Since I was sit in the middle seats I get earbuds from both sides and pocket them. I have like 7 pairs right now around my room that I got from my most recent flights. You know what's funny? Both of them lasted longer than Sony's crappy earbuds. That really, really bad. If Delta's earbuds are better than yours, and you're a bigass company that charges like 10 bucks for earphones, bitch you greedy.

So now I came back and am using my emergency pair which is a glorious colour of green and if these break I'm gonna cry because they're of awesome quality and really comfy and they make my non-hd music hd.

Right now surfing the web to prolong ear buds

Going for gold

Recently after quite an emotional setback I've decided to just study study study and exercise a lot

I wish that everything could go the way I want it to and everything's fun but so far it seems I'm not Haruhi Suzumiya

Okay finishing up on China, Nanning was so, so terrible.

Here's a little background on my paternal relatives.
My oldest aunt who married in is a total money grubbing bitch and I swear she's slowly poisoning my grandparents.
My oldest uncle wastes around the house with no job and my oldest cousin is 22 years old and a wastrel.
My aunts and uncles don't love my father or grandfather like they should.

So anyway my whole family of four was squeezed into this small ass room that's like what, 5 sq ft and there were so many mosquitoes.

It was pretty hilarious because there was this Chinese Wipeout and all the competitors were girls in bikinis and whenever the girls fell into the water this guy would come and "save them", essentially copping a feel.

There were other really funny incidents that i wrote down but I left the notebook somewhere so now it's gone.
Also that was my dream journal and I've abandoned writing my dreams down so now i  barely remember shit about my dreams
ahh so incoherent now because i'm upset for no reason
also i've been running and studying

I drink so much soymilk. Like gorging binging
I think I'm kind of
Kind of unstable.
Like.
At night.
I don't know I mean I'm perfectly fine and there's nothing wrong with my life it's great and all so I don't uunderstand why
Why I listen to and do stupid things
Like
I don't know there are voices in my head??????????????????

After like a week of crazy weight gain today I just lose like, 2 kg for no reason whatsoever
So weird.

China- Guilin

In China right now and contrary to my previous vehemence that it will turn out thoroughly horrid, it is actually really fun. It's like my mother's hometown (shows that we ain't gonna stand shit shows that we are united) so she knows Guilin real well and there's all these shopping malls with cheap clothes of good quality. It's really expensive here, but not in my currency.
The only bad thing is that I'm too scared to eat anything outside of home cause of all the sewer oil thing. I don't doubt for a second that these restaurants will stoop to this to save money.
My sister and I have a running joke that like I'll die from like ice cream or something.
The other day I bought some strawberry ice cream despite my parent's protests and the guy selling it was young and stuff and my mother asked if he would eat it, and he said no! Plus this was a store in the university so I was like o.O. I ate half of it but threw the rest away cause it freaked me out too much. Two hours later I got a stomachache and like a worm dug out and I died.
Nah what am I saying o.O

Also I did that thingy where they give you the stencil and you colour it in then they bake it or something and you can stick it on the windows for only 10 yuan! And I did a mega big one so that was fun.

OMG I JUST GOT A HIT FROM STUMBLE UPON!
*hi5ing a thousand angels*

Okay to continue.
I also gained weight I think, because I've been eating noodles (carbs), not exercising, and also my grandmother makes great food. But then again I weighed myself while wearing shoes so maybe it's due to that.

Alright the top part was written a few days ago, and my feelings about China have changed. Everyone here is  freaking rude and uncouth, uncultured and disgusting. They spit everywhere and the minute I get home I have to wash my feet. Motorcycles just charge through in the middle of the pavement and they don't give a shit if they knock you down or not. In fact they'll probably run you over a few more times so you die and can't sue them. The bystanders would just xiu shou pang guan.

You know those things called pedestrian crossings where cars have to stop to let you pass? Well in China it means paint on roads. You have to wait for the cars to pass, run across a section, wait for a break in the traffic and then run again. They do not stop. Several times I've had a car like a  few inches away from me and had to run across because it STILL DIDN'T STOP.
Pissed off.
And I tried buying jammies from this roadside shop, and they lied and said everything was cotton. It was actually kind of funny because they stuck a label on the price tag that said 100% cotton but the pj itself already had a label that said 20% cotton, 50% nylon and like 30% polyester I think.
Whatever it was shit and when I came home and washed the clothes the colour ran. Like wtf.
Thank god I washed it in a basin first or it would really have sucked since most of my clothes are white pastel-y colours.
Also I guess it's sort of my fault for being cheap but hey a lot of the clothes costed me 20 yuan and that's expensive right?

I spend all day everyday at home in air-conditioned comfort because it's about 30 degrees out and the sun is crazy. I look Native American.

I spent the day with my mother, since my father and sister are happily in Perth where the water costs like 4 bucks a bottle.

I don't know why but everytime I spend more than two hours with my mother we get into a fight. We just fought just now.

I was talking to her today and she said that she actually likes me much more than my sister.
I think my sister hates my mother. Idk. She hates my aunt, so I guess my mother reminds her of my aunt.
I don't know.

My family's like. Un. Un nuclear???

you make me really happy

No masks, no disguises
Shrouded in fog and mist but temperature's hotter than dew point
Or whatever the weather unit has been long forgotten
No pretty words to dot my sentiments
Waxing lyrical about darkness and love and you and heartbreak
Take care out there in the world of sharks
Everyone's hungry and stupid and yet they still pay big bucks for plants to smoke that make them hungrier
I guess I'll find my place among the minnows and angelfish and the occasional clownfish
Maybe this shark in disguise can fit in
Or maybe
Maybe they'll all stare and gossip and think that I really should swim out of their cozy coral reef
But I don't know
I don't care
I'll miss you that's what I'm trying to say.
I'll be baking brownies for high tea. Strictly no sugar.
I'll be sleeping during a hockey match.
I'll see someone in the mall with gorgeous flaming, blonde hair and bam.

You'll flood my mind
We both know. The KITs and promises to meet fade away into a little corner of our minds, each not wanting to call for fear of awkwardness. So we promise ourselves tomorrow and summer floats by like a cloud that's pink and purple and pretty all over then high school starts and it gets worse so we never see each other again.

Maybe all contact diminishes except for the occasional happy birthday facebook post.
Someday like today I'll be stalking your fb page and reminiscing and you'll be the top dog, the shark that gets all the fishies and I'll just be the one that hides in coral holes.

It's a wonder that we became friends at all. You're the skater with wit and I'm the loner that never opened up.

I'll miss you and I really don't want this friendship to collapse but I don't wanna text you because it's expensive and will be awkward.

I'm glad I found you. Or you found me. I said hi first. But you smiled first.
8th grade is the best middle school year.

Fun fun fun day!

I don't usually blog about daily events because nothing really happens so I figured I don't want to make my blog boring by putting in a bunch of shitty "today I woke up, ate too much, felt bad and horrid then went to sleep" posts.

But yesterday was an exception because i actually did something relatively un loserish!

Speaking of which I was in Taiwan the past couple days and damn the food is great! My parents brought back lychees and mangoes and I just ate like 20 lychees because I couldn't resist temptation. Gosh I bet I'm gonna have like a face full of zits tomorrow. Ah well.

Anyway I went to some mall at Orchard yesterday and I went there with (gasp!) other people! Not just one person, but TWO! TWO FRIENDS!

Okay I know I sound insane but usually I never go out except with my family or Lisbeth. It was pretty awkward because they kept whispering to each other and I just kinda shrank back. Well, actually maybe they were speaking at normal volumes but my ears couldn't catch. I think my hearing went kaput after I got my mp3 player.

Oh yeah new diet. I'm trying to include more carbs because I really think without carbs I can't think right and I'm super tired. I'm actually making my own diet and incorporating components from all the other famous diets out there. If it works I'll call it the Jojogorgeous diet. Yay! 

Anyway we watched Spiderman with the guy from Never Let Me Go and man he looks sooo much better with hair! And we kind of just walked around and had dinner with awkward glances every once in a while. 

It was really really fun though! It sounds stupid when you're actually summarizing it but it was nice.

Afterwards I walked around and looked at everything then my stupid shoes gave me blisters so I started limping and it was bad until (double gasp! a nice singaporean!) a really, really, kind lady gave me two band-aids. 

I decided to just go home then since everything was so expensive and the clothes weren't that nice and got lost. -_- For like 10 mins I wandered aimlessly on very loose directions but eventually I found the bus stop and went home.

I reached home at like 10 okay. I was like dead beat but still stoned on the comp for like 2 hours haha. 

Oh super great news I GOT INVITED TO PLAY DOTA 2!!!!!!!!!

Oh man this is super nerd but I was like kind of upset because I really wanted to play with my cousin and I thought they wouldn't pick me since my cousin put 0 experience for everything. Which is true but, you know.

Bad news is now my cousin doesn't want to play anymore. 

Sigh.

okay idk what's wrong with me but i just started crying because i couldn't open a pack of cheese i think my hormones are going crazy or wtf

Poetry

I honestly have a very, very limited grasp on poetry. I can name a few poets but I can't say I'm particularly enamored with their work. Like, once I came home from the library with a Leaves of Grass  in one hand and this collection of Edgar Allan Poe determined to start this poetry notebook and write down poetic smart shit and become this well-read, well-bred high class girl. I ended up just reading Poe's stories and like the first poem of Leaves. Wait wait, I found the notebook. The only poem I wrote down was One's- Self I Sin. Hey, it's actually a pretty good poem. But anyway, so far there's only like 3 poems that I actually love and they are Annabelle Lee, Oranges and The Highwayman. If you're familiar with these poems you'll know why I love them so much. It's actually a super shallow reason and that's because they're all about sweet, pure love. *Hides in shame* You know how books these days are all about some pretty girl and a nerd boy obsessed with her? Well these are usually American but I hate those kind of books.

I like sweet, pure love when like the guy's so sweet khbfa. That's why I like Asian movies and dramas so much because the love is so damn sweet! Like omg have you watched Byakuyako??? And Genya? And god do I love Little Manhattan and and and requiem for a dream but they don't really belong just saying though the love is so sweet! Art of Getting By love!!!!!!!!!!

Okay tangent. Umm, so basically I was looking at writing prompts just now and one of them said use the last line of a poem you like as the first you make.

So here goes. I'm using Oranges (mad love springboard for intro-ing me)

i was making a Fire in my hands

the Winter wind was biting

Actually, you were making the fire

your Hand, in my Hand

my body was wrapped in Layers and Layers of wool, cotton, coats

i felt like a sheep in those clothes

my feet were covered by mismatched furry socks that boasted 100% polyester from china

and damn were they Warm

my head in hair and hoods and a panda hat you gave me for valentines

despite all that compared to the temperature in my hands it was as if i was

swathed in layers and sheets and blocks of Ice

not pure ice like the nail polish which btw sucks shit

but Ice like the slushie we shared

my uncovered, unmittened hands were the hottest part of my body

random kinetic movement of particles wise not attractiveness

i liked holding your hand

walking down Dirty streets

like we owned them

Change

It's raining outside and for once the wind is actually coming through my side!
It seems that my room has become my safe haven once again.
Funny how things change so fast.
I remember loving my plants so, but now I keep forgetting to water them.
My pumpkins even have flowers now! I think they hate me, since when I went to touch the flowers it fell off in my hand as if to tell me to fuck off.
School is over now and wow, I actually miss everything about it except for one teacher and waking in the morning.
I don't know why but I keep stereotyping my high school as some nerdy, unhappening school. I don't know. I guess I've changed a lot too.
I think I'll miss my crazy friends and doing crazy things. Well, mostly watching them do crazy things.
I don't know. Somehow I've come to accept all sorts of wrong things to be normal.
Maybe before school starts next year I should try to see why my friends have so much fun doing what they do.

Hey dude

I don't care anymore. This entire post is dedicated to my little crush/obsession with you

That is our theme song, except you didn't date a trash girl. Instead, I'm pretty sure you only have a crush on this nice, pretty skinny ass girl.

Remember that time we were playing Tarzan the Monkey Man and my friend only suggested the game so I could sit next to you and touch your hand? And I kept doing the hoverhand because I felt my hands getting sweaty and clammy and I didn't want you to feel that and become disgusted? And then you grabbed my hand and wouldn't let me let go? And my mind twisted that incident into some important incident to remember and I was in the best mood the whole day?

You were rush studying poetry terms and called the girl next to me a "hot, fudge sundae in the middle of the desert" which dude, is the most cliche shit I've ever heard but coming out of your mouth my little crushing heart crushed and tore and minced and all the cliche letters to crushes crap. Then you called your friend some pbj sandwich when you're really hungry and then called me! a wildflower in your backyard and I got mad and retorted something weak that went along the lines of "You're a sheep that I would shear the fur off then cook you and eat you" and you were stunned but I didn't care because every single thing you makes me over react for reasons unknown except the really obvious one that's because I have this crush on you. Then a few days after we had a slight altercation which mainly involved you placidly taking my little i-have-a-crush-on-you-why-you-call-her-sundae blows about the wildflower remark then you called me a rose.

And you know how I get loud and embarrassing at lunch it's so klfcsfndshgd oka this is too embarrassing but it caused that fucking bitch Teresa and her shit friends to gossip about me on the last damn of school and I barely know them like wtf I've literally never talked to you except maybe once to say I like your shirt and to volunteer my seat so your dumbass bitch friend could sit and that was super nice okay FUCK YOYA FDSFDDF TERESA FUCK YOU I HOPE MR. CAHOON YELLED THE SHIT OUTTA YOU BITCH AND YOU TOO ALEXIS YOU CONFUSE YOU'RE AND YOUR DUMBASS AND YOU TOO FELICIA FUCK YOU ALL BITCHES I HOPE YOUR IDIOTIC ASSES GOT HELD BACK

Bahh anyway and then I wrote in your yearbook "I've a crush on you. You were the nicest person in 7th grade" and you didn't (or pretended not to) read it at that time so there was no confrontation and then you wrote like 2 sentences more in my yearbook than this pretty girl an that made me feel so good even though it was so damn loserish. And then on the last day of school my whole homeroom ate pixie sticks nonstop and we were all so hyper and I think someone was cutting pubic hair or armpit hair and I kept listening to Electric Feel so I felt super brave and told you right to your back "Dylan you know I have a crush on you right?" and your friend started laughing or something idk the music was so loud and I think you replied "Yeah I know" and I say "Okay, just saying" and there was about 3 secs of awkward silence then you got onto your bus.

I hate the way you're so different around your friends. Actually I wouldn't know if you really change around them because I don't know you all that well anymore. I don't ever think I did.
All I know is that you were the nicest guy, person even, in 7th grade and even the teachers knew I had a crush on you and Ms. R kept making us sit together.

I remember we had a project and my usual nerd partner found another girl nerd but you actually wanted and asked me into your group with the really really popular girl and gave me a part that was really unneeded and didn't fit so I could have a part and I screwed it up then you got my stationary bck argh.
All the feelings.
There's probably loads of stuff like you saying hi to me (that's big. that's really big) that made me so so happy but now the feeling's passed and I'm tried of this crush. You've rejected me like how many times? Yearbook, bus, candy shop, asl. That's like 4.
Damn.
You are such a great rant to rant.

Yearbooks

No matter how much you hate your schoolmates, when they sign your yearbook with HAGS and all that shit it always makes one feel good.

And if they're your friends it's much better

Radishes

There are voices in my head. Lots of them. Most sound attractive.
They keep telling me they love me. They tell me smile, smile, laugh. Happy, smile, smile, friends, smile, giggle.
They are driving me insane. I don't want to be happy. Because when I'm happy, I find fault. Because when I'm happy I start to hope. Hope is horrid. hope is everything I wish for and will never get. It kills me to see something in my reach, but ultimately my short stature and useless tip toes keeps me centimeters away. And I'm too damn lazy to go find a chair. So I fall. Then I won't be happy anymore and I'll just be sad sad sad.
Because being sad and emo and depressed and emotionally unstable and psycho is good. I can finally feel something.
I cut myself just now. It wouldn't clot and just kept bleeding. Beads of red metallic gross.
It didn't hurt at all. Not even when I washed it. Not a bit.
I want to feel feelings that burst like fucking fireworks. Not stupid trickles of happy that amount to nothing. I want something more than everything. All I want is to want and get.

My radishes are growing so well. I had to repot them because they were getting too big. They look beautifully delicious. I can't wait to eat them. Eat back all the love I poured out, all the water and fertilizer and money.

Someone is trying to sell me bad bad bad things. And I have no self-control.

Formal

So yesterday my school had their 8th grade prom.
I almost couldn't go, because like everyone told me they weren't going and I thought only the girls were going. Then after the ticket deadline was past EVERYONE told me they were going. From the losers to the popular boys.
I was so pissed, because I didn't buy a ticket since I thought it would be boring. Plus my sister shared her  very sad formal experience, in which she just sat around eating celery and carrot sticks while everyone danced.
But I managed to get permission like 6 hours before formal so yay!

I actually had a dress that was kinda large but still pretty however my friend was going to wear the same dress and she begged me to not wear it so I was stuck without a dress. But fortunately my sister has like, 6 prom dresses that she bought when she thought she was gonna slim down and go to prom. It took me ages to get ready. I stupidly washed my hair, which made me get like little dandruff but not dandruff flakes in my hair and it wasted an hour so I was really pissed. But my sister made a crown part so the flakes were covered, and she took a stab at curling the hair. Man it was a total mess since she had minimal experience in the hair department, and all I ever do to my hair was wash and clip up so the process was horrible. It came out totes awesome though, until we used expired hairspray (only one we had so we don't do hair) and it started frizzing up like that Sabrina girl from the newest survivor. Thank goodness we actually had anti- frizz stuff from a period when my sister thought she had frizzy hair. It kind of calmed the hair down, but really didn't do much so don't buy Herbal Essences. The only thing is that I realised after people posted pics on fb, that you're supposed to take a photo before you leave. -_-

So the whole car ride I was patting down my hair and worried and crap. But when I got there the teachers weren't really standing guard anymore since I was 30 mins late, so I didn't have to pay the 20 bucks.

Formal was a blast though. I started just attacking the food to get my money's worth, but then my friends dragged me around  and we took pictures in the photobooths and tons others.
Bad side- People are so freaking superficial. Like for the 2nd time that I was in this school people actually came coming up to me to compliment my looks. This asshole was all like, "You look so different! You look amazing!"

So yeah. Now I can eat again yay!

Oh right and I got called a slut.

Tears

It's not a long, lingering feeling. It's not slow trickles of shimmering twin waterfalls.
It's an intake of breath. Like a dinosaur giving birth. "Errrugh"
Then pour.
Outburst.
Like a rice bag splitting at seams, except instead of delicious grains it's salty droplets.
Sobbing. Like a toddler. "Bou bwah"
WHY THE HELL IS SKINS SO SAD
WHAT THE ABSOLUTE CRAZY
NO COOK

Tell me it's okay

Dry hands and tired eyes.
Lotion with scents that are too strong and jealousy.
Mints in mouths that burn holes with ice.

Friends you love that once held you dear in their heart.
But water erodes soil and time washes roots away.
So now you're scattered, floating around in their memory.
"That girl.. she was a friend back then. What's her name again?"

Your name.
Called loudly, mispronounced.
Your name.
Taken from you and replaced with someone else's.
Replaced with slang and insults.
Sometimes just greetings.
Surprise.
"You know my name? How?"

Late nights.
Up doing bullshit that won't matter in 2 days.
You'll regret. You'll slap yourself.
But come midnight and you'll be stuck doing the same damn thing.

Molded strawberries.
7 dollars trashed.
Mutated. Chemicals. Eat.
Eat tomatoes. Eat blueberries. Eat rice. Eat lunch. Eat dinner.
Skip breakfast. Throw yogurt away. Sell fruit snacks.

Young seedlings poking their fragile emerald heads from the murky, dirty brown.
You squat twice a day. Watering. Caring. Pouring saved up, undeserved love into plastic pots.
"It's for the science fair."
It's not.

Deadlines come. Deadlines missed.
Grades fluctuate. Fall. Hit rock bottom.
Disappointment past hurting. Past caring.
Past feeling.
All there is now is fun.
Fun games. Fun conversations. Fun clothes.

Validate me. Validate my actions.
Say it's fine. Say it's just a phase.
Hug me. Console me.
Tell me it's okay.

Eat

Sometimes, I laugh so hard my stomach aches. I bend over, doubled up on the ground, wheezing. Laughing. Happy. My stomach starts hurting so bad I end up struggling to breathe, which almost always makes me laugh harder. It's like a vicious cycle. Kind of like how life is. You're born. You go through the actions of life without actually knowing what it means, what happens, what actually is. Meet a mate. Mate. Reproduce. Die. Then your offspring goes on to repeat that cycle. We don't actually die, you know. We never lived.

But anyway.

That's the good kind of hurting stomach.
There's a bad kind too. Well duh, there's a bad kind. There has to be if there's a good kind. The bad kind involves sharp pangs of hunger that strikes up and tells your insides to bleed. Sometimes, I skip meals and go days on tic tacs and gum and bananas. They say if you eat bananas in the morning you'll lose weight. That, and it helps the stomach rumbling. Have you ever been in a quiet classroom and suddenly your stomach goes Garr groo gruu and everyone looks at you? Probably not.

I'm kind of a screwed person, aren't I?

Is this considered self- destructive? Am I ruining myself?
If this is so bad, how come those pretty girls get to grace the front pages of magazines with their stick thin bodies? It's like I'm going to grow anymore. Horizontally maybe, if I don't keep this up.

I like it when it hurts so much I have to bite my lips and hold my breath to alleviate the pain. That sounds kind of twisted, huh. I'm a twisted person I guess. A twisted mangled mess of weeds you just want to rip out, roots and all, of the pretty picturesque garden. The sea of soft emerald hair.
That's what I am. Not a cliche hot, fudge sundae in a hot desert. Not peanut butter sandwiches when you're starving, whatever the hell that means.
No, I'm a wildflower in some tard's backyard, not even worth to be out front.

No one cares, because they don't know. I don't want them to know. I don't want them to care. I don't want them to worry.
What has happened to me? What is happening to me? What the hell am I doing? To myself, to my life?

Seems like all that's worth living for these days is love and green apples.

Paradise

Flowers, flowers, flowers

Cumulus clouds and cool rain showers

Flittering here and fluttering there

Azure butterflies everywhere

Soft whispers and big, beaming smiles

No more tears or reluctant goodbyes

Flowing skirts and silk ribbons on Cinderella dresses

A head of perfectly coiffed charcoal tresses

In this land of green grass,

Where everything starts as a spark

There’s no bottled fury

Or a fear of the dark

There are loved ones that don’t ever leave

And I’ll never, ever be bereaved

There are no jerks or stabs in the back

No slow internet or unappetizing food

There are cooked lobsters and creamy soups

Clear broths that taste oh-so-good

In this land I’m loved and liked

Unknown but not disliked

In this land there’s a boy who smiles at the thought of me

And slugs leave my veggies be

In this land,

I’ll say sorry

My parents will never worry

And I’ll be happy

Forever, happy.

Happy Hunger Games!

So with the my cousin's visit coinciding with the release of the Hunger Games movie, I was able to watch it today. Needless to say, spoilers alert!

So I read the books and my opinion is much more negative because of that, so keep that in mind.
It was really mehh. I understand that it's hard to include all the details but really? This is like the most anticipated movie of 2012, maybe only second to Eclipse. No wait, this IS the most anticipated movie. I had like 45 people from my school and a bunch of teachers go for the midnight premier. Surely the writer could have done a better job with the scripting. They're getting thousands of millions back for this.

Katniss could have been expanded so much more. They made her seem like she actually did fall in love with Peeta and wasn't just doing it for the games. I also thought that they didn't show the initial animosity between Katniss and Peeta, and how important the bread scene was to their relationship. And the part about covering Rue with flowers was just a sweet gesture because they neglected to show that Katniss was trying to go against the game makers. Speaking of that, people were actually crying at that scene. It was ridiculous. The girl sitting next to me was sniffling and burying her face into her boyfriend's shoulder. Maybe it's just me. I really like Jennifer Lawrence though at times she looked constipated instead of strong or sad but she's a good actress.

The BGM was very meh. They should really have added some music or sound at the reaping. After all the fuss about Safe and Sound, I didn't hear it once during the movie. Which was disappointing, because I actually liked that song.

The story was full of plot holes. Why was Gale's name entered 42 times? How come they were poor? Why does only Katniss and Gale hunt? Where were the two cannon shots after Rue and D1 boy's death? Collins stated repeated that the Cornucopia was gold not some modern artish looking block of steel.

It's not the type of movie I watch so take my words with two pinches of salt. I liked it, although I got bored halfway. It was really disappointing. I had such high hopes. Sigh.

Anyway, on a slightly related note, where are the Asians? I'm guessing they died off. We're smart but we can't exactly achieve and we're not strong either.
Quite sad huh?
All in all, alright movie. I would rather Battle Royale, which I suspect HG ripped off. If you have the money to spare and want to discuss with your hardcore HG fan friends, go ahead. If you want to save the ten bucks just wait for it to go on the Chinese video sharing sites. I'm pretty sure it's on Funshion already.

Oh right. Fun fact: The train sound at the beginning to signal the reaping was the same as the sound when you start a new game in Freaky Factory from Neopets.

Guess what movie I'm watching?

She is of the dead, yet she is so much more vibrant, splattered with the palette of colours. She spirngs like a butterfly, free, free.

He is of the living, yet he remains dull. Waxen skin and downturned mouth. Bound by rules and etiquette and social norms.

Who truly has a beating heart?

“I’ve been in the darkness for so long, I had almost forgotten how beautiful the moonlight was.”

She dances for him. All her childish dreams and lofty aspirations laid out on a table before him. Her deepest carnal fears and secrets untold spilling like sand filled bag.

She dances for him, the moonlight illuminating her every move. A leg lost, but it doesn’t matter. Her face burns scarlet under her ghostly complexion, but she ignores the awkward limp. This is one dance she has to complete. She wants to impress him, to make him smile. Make him proud of this accidental wife he married. Show him, show him they’ll be happy together. They’ll be happy, forever.

She dances for him, twirling, giggling. How long has it been since she felt like this? The feeling of soft love tugging at her skeleton heart? Calcium cage around something long rotted? His presence has given it life. Make it beat, fast and real. Fast and real. Fast and real. Could it be? That he’s the one to save her from this graveyard of sorrow? Yes, it must be.

She dances for him. He watches, scheming. He must get to Victoria. His one true love, sweet darling Victoria. Emily is a freak, He has to flee. He has to leave this horrifying monstrosity.

Anyway, my English teacher thinks that Tim Burton is a freak. She thinks he's crazy and twisted. I honestly think she's full of bull. Her views on quite a lot of things are unintelligent. She resembles a hippo maaah-ing out nonsense. Has the figure for it too.

Tim Burton's works may be dark and everything, but it's not weird. It's like human nature but with a touch of beauty. And satire.

One Small Mistake

I was listening to One Republic just now, trying to find songs that actually move me. That I can play and have it connect with me, that means something to me. These days all I seem to do is listen and it becomes a blurry, delightful and enjoyable of course, but blurry mess of sounds that appeal.

Illusions and trickery,

Like the veil she uses to hide her heart.

Smoke bombs to abet her crimes,

Golden cages to dazzle the eyes,

From her wiles to her smiles

Her hidden movements under the table

Her raven locks that enchant with drafts of coconut

The flashing eyes that claim your soul

Oh, how she charms!

But a slip in the action!

A card fallen from the sleeve

The slightest bit of mold festers on her once indefectible wall

The slightest bit but when times chips in,

Becomes a raging fire of green.

Her vices spill like a jug to the floor

Everybody is watching her sleep,

Watching her breathe and eat.

And they finally see the truth

See her for what she is without the indigo cotton and rose perfume

See her for what she really is.

A girl who would kill herself to be perfect

A lie that plays on the desires of others

She is simply…

You.

Model UN

I had my Model UN conference today and it was beyond awesome!

Honestly, I enjoyed it more than OotM and wayy more than BPA. No offence to those clubs I'm just a Model UN girl. I mean, it's the first ever serious club I've been in.

So the conferences were relatively fun. It was easy to bend their words and I think I put quite a lot of people on the spot XD. But it was all cool! The lunch was super awesome. They had little burger/sandwiches (what's the diff between a burger and a sandwich anyway? One's cold and the other warm?) and CAKE! Well, I was so famished by lunchtime so I took 4 sandwiches (yeah glutton I know) and by the time I was done I couldn't even touch my cake. Some guy hoarded like 9 sandwiches and threw 3 away -_-. And he was a little 6th grader too.

Back to the conference, um, it was much more official than my last one where we just read position papers and had quick debates. This time we had placards, comfy chairs, caucuses and a chair. I represented USA so I pretty much just threw my weight around and "blackmailed" most of the little developing countries into sticking with me by threatening to cut off foreign aid. It didn't really matter but they listened anyway. XD What good sports. I have homework to do. :( The past few days I've just been sleeping at dinnertime then waking at 4am to wash my hair. Well most of the time I fall back asleep until 5 or so then wash my hair. In the end I finish my homework in homeroom, since it's so easy.

Oh right, the weather has drastically warmed up. Right now I'm wearing short sleeves and not feeling cold at all.  This time two days ago (literally, it was like 5 degrees C) I was wearing a coat with the heater on full blast. I'm also a little sad because this means the year is ending and I'll be going off to high school! :( I don't particularly like change. I mean, I've just started to branch out and make friends. The Charter kids will most probably not appreciate my personality, so I'll have to dull down. Dull down and shut up.

But I guess that would be good for me. I'm trying to do that right now, but it's hard. I can't control myself; I've just become this weird, weird person.

Smile!

I used to care.

A lot.

It would dig in my mind and tune everything out

All I could hear was the boring and droning and drilling

And my heart beating so hard against the calcium bars of its jail

And my breath wheezing, gasping

Then I just didn’t notice anymore

It was routine, commonplace

I didn’t notice anything anymore

Salty puddles or muffled screams

I guess I stopped caring

Nothing matters more than fun

Only smiles and laughter can take away the pain

I don’t mind forgoing immunization for temporary relief

The strings finally snapped

And now, nothing holds a place anymore.

I've realised that I've changed. I really don't value anything too much anymore. I don't write, I don't read. I don't even listen to music that really moves me. It's just a blurry haze of rushed deadlines and wasted time. I must have felt this way for a pretty long time because the above is from like 2 months ago. I'm too lazy to do anything really. My notebooks are just filled with teenage angst and nothing special. Nothing meaningful. It's almost as if I've become my own person.

OotM

So I had my Odyssey of the Mind region tournament on Sat.

I was pretty upset and crazy sad I didn't win but have since calmed down and now it's just a dull ache. All the teams did really nice jobs and the school that won was actually pretty good. So...
It would've been nice to win but it doesn't matter because I had FUN!

Well now my schedule's pretty much empty, save for the last meeting/ Model UN competition on Thurs. Then I'll be free for two months or so. Maybe I'll join stage crew or something.

Funny how I was so cramped up and busy juggling 3 clubs for like 7 months and now I have nothing.

Valentines Day/ Single Awareness Day/ Forever Alone Party Day

(forever alone party day = fap day, which is very inappropriate but I thought it appropriate to include)

Happy whatever day you celebrate! I know I'm a day late but hey, I had plans yesterday ;)

Vday was relatively fun. I got a crap load of candy from my friends which is still rotting in my schoolbag. After like a week or two of Lindor truffles my stomach can't stand the common taste of Snickers and Milkyways. Speaking of which, I guzzled down like 4 bags of white choc truffles under the pretense of drowning my sorrows in sugar (really just greedy) and now I have 3 or 5 bags still sitting in my fridge that I'm too turned off to touch.

I also got a very cute, very soft and cuddly, unwashed, plush dog from a sweetheart that is currently spreading germs on my bed. <3

The sad side of Valentines was that my hopes were brought up up up all the way till ^^^^ here, and then some idiotic liar decided to jump on them and they went crashing down into a million pieces. It's quite a pathetic story so I'll just leave it.

Oh and I got carnations! I was supposed to get 2 more but my extremely trustable friends couldn't get any money so :\ At least I have two. One red and one pink. Last year my carnations lasted all the way till May, and even then they were still standing just that they were half rotted and letting out this malodorous stench that attracted quite the number of bugs.

I must admit Valentines Day is much more enjoyable in America. Walmart is up top on the Holidays man. 2 days before Vday they cleared out their pink heart stock and replaced it with clucking rabbits and PEEPS!

Alright. Happy Easter everyone! And if you were alone on Vday, fret not. You'll always be the top trending topic in the Twitter feed of my heart. Muah!