On awfully depressing television shows

Recently I've been binge watching Netflix in order to get away from reality/ college applications/ expectations I've set for myself which I'm starting to think I will never reach. Included in this list of television shows that I probably don't mention in neither polite conversation nor high society is Bojack Horseman. Initially it comes off a humorous, stoner (not really) comedy like Family Guy. Stupid jokes, stupid life. But as it progresses I'm really starting to feel sorry for this guy because he is so self-absorbed yet too self-aware and he knows exactly what an asshole he is yet he can't stop himself from hurting people deliberately. He knows he messed up his life and he seeks constant validation from people to tell him it's "not too late."

Unfortunately, this strikes a chord a little too close to me. Just like BH I cover myself with superficial activities to distract myself from the fact that I'm substandard and disappointing, adjectives that actually describe me thank you very much college interview questions. I don't want to be a waste of space, noun that has been applied to me already thank you very much asshole guy from my school.

I feel like I've accomplished a lot yet it feels so empty. I just feel so empty.

Also Diane is honestly a bitch. She likes attention, she feels like she's much more superior to all these people and thinks that because she's smart she doesn't hurt people. Just because she's socially less dysfunctional doesn't mean that her deliberately leaking the chapters to Buzzed and betraying BH's trust makes it okay. She's trying to show people her book is accepted to BH so she can get it published and get famous. How is she different from BH betraying Herb? Except BH was threatened and Diane did this of her own accord that BITCH

FTH #3

im driving myself crazy with jealousy
but why are you far more comfortable with other people
i just want you to talk to me
ive always just wanted conversation
that is how i fall in love
i fall in love with words
and phrases
and pauses, emoticons, excited utterances
not carefully crafted sentences
ive never been one to be serious
i want to feel close
not cold

being perfectly tolerable

A year has passed since
since All The Evil
I suppose I've never moved on
From crumpled up Candy Shop lyrics
From the boy with the dog
From striped hoodies and white shirts and fur

You are cruel
Gruel in Oliver Twist's bowl
Please sir, may I have some more?
more humiliation more hurt more sad?

June seems so far away
48 hours doesn't sound so far at all
i have so much to do
and i'm not doing any of it

take a picture
meat joy origin of the world grand odalisque venus of urbino
But my back has never been smooth enough
And I don't have exotic gazes
Wish we could see if we could be something
Though exactly what, I don't really wish to consider

On nesting birds

When I first came to California about two years ago, there was a seagull living on my roof. It pooped everywhere turning my balcony in splotched wood and my skylight into a glass basket of bird waste. At the time I worked and spent most of my time upstairs in the loft and everyday I would hear it squawk non-stop. It terrorized anyone who went out and rained poop everywhere. The noise it made was so bad that even people I skyped with would ask about it. Eventually it had two baby birds. I suppose that was why it stayed for so long: to nest its babies. The two birds went from disgusting disease carriers to big, parasitic birds like their mother in what seemed like just a few days.

Then one day I realised that it was unusually quiet. Without me realizing the birds had abandoned me. Summer grazed me with friendship and fun. And then it was over

I never appreciate time until after. Someone told me I live in the past too much because I am weak and cannot move on from my flaws and mistakes. I don't know how to try. I don't want to be weak, or insecure, or scared. When I'm around people I feel inferior to them, and it makes it hard to speak to them because why would anyone want to talk to me? They all hate me and it is my fault. I know that people don't like me so how can you force me to talk to them?

Anger is my shell. Laughter and apathy protect me from being hurt. But late at night i feel my guard wavering. I am sad, lonely, and in love.

I am wasting time and I can't help it.

On unwanted teddy bears

I made a best friend last year. I thought we connected. I began to look past the glaring flaws in our friendship and sank myself whole-heartedly into the concept of a best friend.
Before I let her in, I kept myself guarded with my secrets. I disregarded how she left me for another girl because I didn't notice
Then one day we went ice skating together and she let me clutch onto her and fall on her and she wasn't even pissed
I thought we would be friends forever, in the way adults mean "a very long time."
But she doesn't want me anymore
Her teddy bear sits collecting dust in my room. Its snout is perpetually smiling. Perhaps it's so happy because it doesn't know what abandonment means.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH98ehnfDaA

Recently I've been really into rap. Before I couldn't really understand the lyrics, but now that I'm actually making an effort to read them and comprehend them, the songs make so much sense.
Yeezus is a very good album. He's so obnoxious and presumptuous and I love it. I love it all.
My friend frequently tells me how fiction is like written television. Perhaps she is right, but non- fiction has zero appeal to me. What's the point of reading real life when I'm living it right now?
I'd rather be a girl who is ineffably beautiful, slender, and tall with legs that go on for days. Or a girl with perfect ears and an adorable name.
But since I lack the time and attention span to read these days I've been substituting songs for books. Kanye's Hold My Liquor means just as much as Jamie's alcoholism.

Orgasm blush.
I do like being fancy.

Bells at Midnight

I'm cold

And you're lonely

Yet very lovely

I'm a little bit lost

I can't find a lot of things anymore

I can't find my grades or the hair charms or the way I used to feel about you

Lets procreate

Make mucus covered vermin offspring

Teach them to be nicer than you are

Teach them to be kinder than everywhere

Tell them never to hurt a soul

I am hurt

Breathing

Through tears it feels so fake

I break down in ugly noises 

In a blaze of shame and glory

I'm just a little bit tired

But I haven't done anything at all

Except sit here wasting, watching

A Snapshot in Time #3

Ring me around
With your arms round and round
Hug me
Until I'm unsure if you're me or I'm you

Ring me up
We are either breaking up or getting married
Do I wish to deal with implications?
Although it does sound nice, sometimes

What if we had parallel universes
And I'm happier in another?
What choices did I make
and what choices would I make different?