being perfectly tolerable

A year has passed since
since All The Evil
I suppose I've never moved on
From crumpled up Candy Shop lyrics
From the boy with the dog
From striped hoodies and white shirts and fur

You are cruel
Gruel in Oliver Twist's bowl
Please sir, may I have some more?
more humiliation more hurt more sad?

June seems so far away
48 hours doesn't sound so far at all
i have so much to do
and i'm not doing any of it

take a picture
meat joy origin of the world grand odalisque venus of urbino
But my back has never been smooth enough
And I don't have exotic gazes
Wish we could see if we could be something
Though exactly what, I don't really wish to consider

On nesting birds

When I first came to California about two years ago, there was a seagull living on my roof. It pooped everywhere turning my balcony in splotched wood and my skylight into a glass basket of bird waste. At the time I worked and spent most of my time upstairs in the loft and everyday I would hear it squawk non-stop. It terrorized anyone who went out and rained poop everywhere. The noise it made was so bad that even people I skyped with would ask about it. Eventually it had two baby birds. I suppose that was why it stayed for so long: to nest its babies. The two birds went from disgusting disease carriers to big, parasitic birds like their mother in what seemed like just a few days.

Then one day I realised that it was unusually quiet. Without me realizing the birds had abandoned me. Summer grazed me with friendship and fun. And then it was over

I never appreciate time until after. Someone told me I live in the past too much because I am weak and cannot move on from my flaws and mistakes. I don't know how to try. I don't want to be weak, or insecure, or scared. When I'm around people I feel inferior to them, and it makes it hard to speak to them because why would anyone want to talk to me? They all hate me and it is my fault. I know that people don't like me so how can you force me to talk to them?

Anger is my shell. Laughter and apathy protect me from being hurt. But late at night i feel my guard wavering. I am sad, lonely, and in love.

I am wasting time and I can't help it.