On unwanted sacrifices

When I was seven, I realised for the first time my parents loved me too much
I might have been eight, but definitely not nine
Because I was nine they began to realise they loved me too much
I wanted colour pencils to complete a shitty drawing
I have about a hundred soft toys and nearly a thousand books, all purchased at retail prices in a bookstore with atmosphere
Which means those are expensive ass books
But somehow I couldn't scavenge 7 different colours together
So I told my father to  buy me some colour pencils.

He bought me a 72 set.
I don't know why I got so upset and why I threw a tantrum
It's just a fucking 72 set of colour pencils.
He decided to spend fifty dollars on colour pencils so be it it's his own fucking money
I think I made him cry

I don't know why I do the things I do
I don't know why I hurt people so much
I can't help being selfish
And in my selfish moods I let myself hurt them

When I was nine my mother came to me crying
I couldn't find my uniform that morning, and I blew her off
I remember my father saying mean things to her
For hindering me
I've always been daddy's girl

I don't understand why people do things for me,
and why they do things I don't want them to do
I guess at times I choose to be a martyr
Hoping you would oppose my decisions
You do things I don't want you, don't need you to do

When I think of my future, half the time I don't see you there
I'm happy, I'm rich. I'm tending to my orchard with my four sons.
Half the time, we are lying in bed painting constellations with syllables.
Truth is, you are my best friend. I don't feel close to people anymore.
I think that is why I am so apathetic.

I feel like
I may be getting tired of you
My mother says mean things about you
Compares you to boys who buy me necklaces and break my heart
Sometimes I get tired of the routine
How we find treaties in our bodies

I like feeling attractive
I like feeling wanted
If I want you to pluck the moon from its starry mist, you probably would present me with a tarnished platter of stardust
But isn't stardust just cheap glitter come morning?

But I need you, your touch, your wandering breaths
Or perhaps, I just need to be craved
I say I love you,
I really hope I do

On being happy

I am scared
I am scared of:
Library fines, because who has $231?
Empty beds, because it's cold not sleeping in your embrace
Monologues, because I am not Catherine the Great
I am not anything great
I do not have anything to offer except borrowed money and a substandard body

I do not like:
Being inferior, because PSAT scores make me sad
Being compared, because mama I can't be your pride and precious
Being slighted, because I was raised as a pride and precious

Doubts creep
Speculations over  facebook chat
I'm not the sort of person to end things
I want everything and everyone and I guess
That is why I'm a bad person to love

It's times like these that I miss being held
Lately my words have been getting harsher, facetiously burning
Blithe behaviour that those with wisdom frown upon
I don't care
I just want to have fun
I do not wish to hurt

Murakami

Oooh I've been reading a lot of Murakami recently, ever since I chanced upon 1Q84 from 9gag I think. And I was like, shit this must be a dystopian novel super cool!

But when I actually got it it was completely different from what I was expecting, so there's slight disappointment there, but man the surrealism and dream and plot was amazing.

Although I must say Murakami's endings are quite weak, always leaving me  hanging.

Then I read Dance ^3 and blind willow which was omgomgomgomg jizz

Uhhh After Dark has pretty jizzzzzzz parts too but today I saw my eng teach had kafaka and i was like ahhhhhhhhhhhh

On being held

He plays piano on the bare of my back
Fingers tapping the ivory of my skin
Pressing the sharps on my shoulder blade

The stifling air beneath the blanket
Our legs clouded in humidity
Whispering
I can feel his breath mask my face in words
Words I don't quite believe but I don't bother to question

A day wasted
Tuberculosis of the spine
Lying in a bed watching digital numbers blind
Ears constantly perked
The door knob
We spring
Knobs

My arm slips on his stomach
Sweat lubricating
I tell him I like the way he smells
Truth is I can't smell anything at all

Unpleasant memories
I can feel my throat choke
Turning away, military companies sinking into the bedspread

Checking phones
I cling on
Don't go
But he makes his way out, and down
I stand outside and watch him leave

the songs on the radio don't sound good anymore

we sing in
Cracked voices, harsh, out of tune
Like an unloved piano in the house of spoilt brats
In the house of the seven gables

we sing in
Almost harmony
Almost
always a beat too fast
tripping over words
words that crouch behind teeth, our tongues searching
adagio
allegro
sophisticated terms for "eyyyyyy tonight i can make your body rock"

do you remember
It always comes back to memories, huh?
I tell stories of people
i tell stories of hurt and sad and things past
stories of
you

Deadlines and
I can't  handle
And I can't
Breathe
In water nor words
In feelings that suffocate like that cheap bottle of Mandarin Mango

an air of chemicals and manufactured fragrances
once held now without

You can still hurt me

I didn't even bother looking

Because

You would tell me right?

Bullshit

I guess I overestimated our "friendship"

I don't even think we can be counted as friends anymore

I miss:

Curt 

Rude

Succinct

Because pointless conversation is better than

Pending messages

Sent messages

Ignored messages

Replacements

Double blows and it's all my fault

Because

It really is a problem that lies with me

Hurts

To know you can speak

To know "fading without" 

Me?

I'm not an angel

Blurred lines

Blurred faces because of terrible placement

This is how it started

I once walked two moons

Now I'm

Sad

:/

Picked apart

A movement
Protesting men in tuxedos
Circling with their banners and unhappiness
Clouding around my aorta
Insoluble,

Unlike sugar on your tongue
Sugar cubes in sweaty palms
Sugary desserts
Meringue pie and shortcake made by auburn children,
Candied
Dewdrops on tips
She's smiling, twirling, her fingers beckoning
Inside, come on
Resolve dissapating
Solving
A rubik cube with the colours all lined up
Dissolving

I am grabbing
Money, clothes, particles
Grab by
Shame spreading
Captured in a still
I'm not blushing
I'm just naturally red

Syllables stringed together with mortar
Concrete threading
Through
Loops and curves and solidifying in the back of my throat
Pssh

Segue segue segue
What's your favourite art piece?
Oh, I don't even art.
Haha.

I'm desperate for you to hear me out, let me swim in self pity
Watch me drown
Sinking
Solute under solvent

Hints.
Hint hint hint hint
if i don't make a move,
i won't get hurt
no
i'll hurt myself
i am hurting

A percent dilution
Green lights dull and faded
but
But I know you're there
That hurts the most, no?

I really, really don't like you guys
Like, fuck you for not getting my jokes. Have fun being obnoxious and  yeah, so you are better than me. Woop woop, I'm not even jealous.
What kind of shitty personalities do you all have, can't you even take a joke?

I guess I'm just not compatible with you all smart, worshipable people.
You know what, fuck it I'm done trying.
I only fucking joined because every other person was nice but you guys are fucking ridiculous

God damn why would you make fun of my friends?
Make fun of me that's shitty as hell but it's okay, but fucking lay off them because I'm responsible for them and I don't want you shitty people laughing at them.

SOFTBALL BANQUET IN T- 1h

GET READY FOR AWKWARD JOJO AND TERRIBLE LIES

Midnight on a summer's day

At midnight I get an email
I've seen midnight announce itself in pixels and electricity for the past weeks
I've seen clocks go from 21 to 45 and 20 mins showers miraculously fixed in 10

I've not seen how the sun shines through my room at 8, or how the cupcakes line the path
I've not seen a lot because I was too tired to see
To tired to open my eyes and laugh

I posed in a sun hat and held a friend's guitar in my hands
I played nonsensical chords and gossiped about a "shit ugly" girl, sitting on the tennis courts feeling my skin cells wilt
And die
And  brown
And die

Actual updates

So I just returned from hanging out with my Asian clique and holy shit my friend is so bloody rich wtf.

Ahaha  it was ridiculously fun. Played/ Failed ping pong and ate chocolate and played a fail game of truth or dare but culminated with Cheat which I did not win.

Also went to HSNCT but lol my school didn't qualify so I hitched a ride from a neighbouring school and it was fun.

I guess.

the answer in the back of the book
doesn't match mine

rejection

rejection
rejection
rejecion
rejection
rejcetion
rejection
rejection
rejection
rejection
rejec
titon
rejection

i want i want i want
no rejection

pcitures

should've spelt it right

should have been under it

shouldn't have jumped to the side

but i'm scared

you know

i am

i wish

{

you notice when my hair is curlier than usual;

these ulcers would heal;

the numbers would read smaller;

zero zero zero;

pictures were nicer;

}

i dreamt

i dreamt and i woke up looking behind me

i showered with my back pressed against cold tiles

i could feel someone

if (it wasn't just my subconscious)

if (a word was said when i paved the escape route)

if (a protest)

if (real)

joanna= happy;

You’re excited, waking up and checking Facebook.

Maybe he sent you something.

His name pops up, your heart’s in your mouth, beating so hard it’s popping out

“Hey, I can’t make it today.”

It’s that feeling

That disappointing, sinking feeling

Your heart falling so deep into the crevice of your gut, it clogs up everything and you can’t breathe

Like someone sank down to chest level and kicked you right in the lungs

Like putting a needle to a balloon

You’re mad, frustrated

Emoticons can’t channel what’s inside

But there’s nothing to be done

“Don’t say sorry, it’s not your fault anyway.”

But inside, you can’t stop thinking it is

And you hesitate to take that shower

Knowing that you don’t give a shit about the others

Knowing that you haven’t washed your hair for two days

Yet not caring.

Because he didn’t care enough to see clean hair.

In the end, you close the shower door and turn the water on

No one notices that the heat is off

The cold water shower leaves you breathless

You want it to freeze, to hurt

So that it can overpower the hurt inside

It’s not the fact that he bailed out that hurts

It’s the expectations, the daydreams that you held so privately close

That stabs and burns and hurts, so, so bad.

But even as you’re gasping for oxygen and turning blue,

Your mind just keeps going back to… him

And you leave the shower,

Eyes red and puffy,

Salty tears mixed with filtered water going down the drain

You spend the day with the best girlfriends,

It’s fun but half your mind’s away,

Half your heart’s wishing he’ll call

“Hey I can come!”

But you know he won’t

And he doesn’t

You go home alone, tired.

Watching the Olympics,

Knowing he is too, on the other side of the countryv

jack in the box

i love food so much why does food taste so good and why is von's so expensive

i dislike people and dislike that i'm terrible at sports and now i'm too lazy omg

it sucks because i never do anything right

Quick update

It's 2 24 am.
Oh dear.

Things are sort of going swimmingly.
That's it.

it's always night that sets me off

gosh jojo don't be despo

Tired eyes

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy
Not sire if I'm typing this right
Because typing with my eyes closed
Excuse my grammar, excuse my spelling
I know how to spell I'm not dumb
Just can't see my words because they vanish into the air
Stolen from my thorat, seized by your eyes
You drink me in yet you don't even want me
I'm poison to you
I'm bitter and sour and urgh
You spit me on the ground like refuse and for days people step over this disgusting puddle of Joanna
But I evaporate with time
My feelings become vapour
You are Harry, my Harry Winston
You last forever, steel cold edges cutting into my palms
Cool against my bare skin
Even as it wrinkles and darkens and blemishes coat

My head hurts
Yo estoy comoda en tus brazos
I wanted to say that
But I forgot
I always forget
I wanted to write it and fold it up and fold me up in your soft soft clothes
But months go by and moments pass and it's like that warm cloud of breath in frigid chills
Envelop faces for a second and leaves it damp
Actuallly kind of gross
Like blwoing out candles on birthday cakes
I wonder if you miss me at all.

Vamos a la playa
A mi me gusta bailar
A mi me gusta la clase de matematicas
A mi me gusta todos tu gusta
I can be her
I can be a halogen
I can bond once and only once and sit here waiting while you flit around like a butterfly charming everyone
Glue never lasts and crystals fall
Spaces on clothes that have residue left
New dresses on Amazon
Too cheap and too short, polyester is the new cotton
They drop a few grand on me and it sucks
You suck

Ouch

I don't know why, but when I think about you, there's this

tugging feeling

like, in my heart.

How cliche, I know. But, it physically pains me. My breaths don't come as easy. I just want to curl up and hug myself, right here on this dirty floor. 

Three times in the same day I've felt like crying. Tears actually welled up.

It's not my fault you're so fucking stupid that you can't understand my play on words tard.

I want you.

I hated trying to deal with your negs and shit tests and I ended doing really badly

But I 

It just hurts it's like an actual ache. Like I actually am missing this part of me and urgh.

I just hate when it's night because I can't cope with this. I can't rationalise properly and think about what a dumbass I'm being.

It makes me so incredibly sad.

CC

Went volunteering at the community centre today and holy shit

It was so nice!
It was basically cleaning and manual labour for a few hours
Until they had this speaker and had some food out
omgomgomg they let me eat so much and they were so nice so delicious

Late night lists

I like the way cheap icing melts in my mouth. I like the sickening sweetness of the cream as it congeals in my throat.
I like laughing because it hurts too much whenever your name stares me in all its majestic greyness.
I like licking my dry lips and knowing it only makes the worse but doing it anyway.

We were too different but I had so much fun
Estuve comoda en tu brazos
I'm not entirely sure if that is right
I'm not entirely sure I'm right

switch (yourFeelings)
case "A big damn lie":
Well shit I'm a fool
break my heart;
case "Nahhh":
Well shit I'm a fool
breaking into pieces;

Well shit I'm not making sense
My programs aren't either
The complier says error but I don't care
You're a perfect int and I'm a float with my trailing zeros and irrationality
Incompatible types but I don't care
Typecasting killed those bits of me
Those bits that thought with a brain
Now I wake up 30 mins earlier to apply a coat of useless mascara
Now I blink itchiness away because this "Smudge- proof, water- proof 24 hour" mascara lied to me
Which fits you

I guess

Ahh the internet

I've been mturking my homework/sat time all away today

Earned like a dollar but satisfied! 

At this rate in two weeks I'll be able to buy some really cheap skirt on f21

And less than 20 mins later...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my stomach hurts so much
omg i think i overate or drank too much water because i'm seriously bloated
i think my skin is stretching like tomorrow i will wake up and see stretchmarks
ahhhhhh ahh now i'm thirsty but i can't drink water and omggggg

Nom nom nom

Okay I'm sitting here right now and my window is especially reflective, and my reflection makes me face look super narrow (well, narrower)
So a food post
At my old school there was this football player who was in love with clementines. He would talk about them and had like 500 of them everyday
And he has a point because THEY ARE SO GOOOOOOOOD

I just ate 7 clementines in the last 2 hours and I would go for more but urgh, the kitchen is too far away!
Damn these things are freaking delicious they have so much sugar in them though I think I can eat one more before I max out my daily sugar intake
And that's disregarding the food I ate before this
But man oh man so naise

Too lazy/ too busy procrastinating

Don't really have time for this but here's a summary

-Moved to Cali
-Damn this water tastes bad
-Holy crap this weather is amazing
-Oh. Everyone ignore the new kid okay
-Oh. Everyone love the pretty new Russian girl okay
-Oh. Let me just eat all alone next to the bathroom okay
-Damn this homework
-Damn why am i not doing homework
-Alright let's start an argument at midnight
-Pain pain sorrow homework
-Second week of school here we go

The grass is always dry and gross and full of ants no matter what

In the past 12 months (if it wasn't for stupid 2013 I would be able to say past year and make more of an impact but wth) I've moved a grand total of three times.
Okay so maybe it doesn't sound like a lot but before these 12 months I've never moved. At least not moving an entire shitload of useless hoarded things or old enough to remember. Okay I kind of remember the move at 4 years old but the clearest memory is sitting in the trunk of a car and driving down a swirly hill ahaha. My father thought we were going to die aha. Fun times. TANGENT

Moving is a major pain in the ass like seriously it's packing everything you own into little boxes and my family has a terrible hoarding habit -_- which I unfortunately have adopted (I literally have like these cards from Barnes and Nobles that I think I picked off from the ground {eww I know} and until today I couldn't bear to throw them away {I KNOW}) which makes it even worse.

Ahh I feel like microwaved shit, slept at 1 am last night for the first time in two weeks (I know, I'm proud of myself too) in an effort to get my father to sleep (played the I'll sleep when you sleep game) but he pretended to go to sleep and woke up and packed for the whole entire night -_-. And then woke up a 8:57 am which is UNHEARD of on a Joanna weekend. Argh.

And the movers are done finally. Spent like an hour googling how much to tip them. Had to hold in my pee for 3 hours TMI I'm sorry. Urgh now I have to figure how to bring my darling snowglobes over. Last time I had my snowglobes in shitty Delta's hands my favourite one cracked so FUCK YOU DELTA actually it's tsa's fault but still. I guess I have to carry-on my babies but urgh, what if they forbid. If they do Imma throw them at their black faces (I'm sorry but almost every tsa agent is black and rude as fuck, fuck you tsa)

Anyway I don't even know why my family's been nomad-ing. I don't understand why they don't think out their gosh danned plans. I love them but urgh, I hate playing along with their air castles.

Here's why

What does it like?
Painful, but fun.
You're so lovely, and I'm too lonely.
Because you make me feel alright.
And every gesture you make, I read too much into.
But Ms. Berger says that's wrong that non verbal communication should be read as a whole
I'm finally studying for once because you're not there to distract me
Or rather, to distract me from you

I don't know but neon indian reminds me of you, and after english mid term today i'm too lazy to capitalise
Answered a question incorrectly because my mind blanked and I forgot what compassionate meant
All I could think of was "compassionate means well, compassionate." and boom there goes two points
Had a mild panic moment/ breathing problems for the good portion of my computer science test because he just kept walking around and staring and I couldn't sneak food. It was the part that I couldn't cheat on anyway so
Stomach has been hurting all day long. Not just water sloshing or grumbling, but piercing double over backwards i used that wrong pain.
But I've been sleeping early.
Yay?